Monday, December 27, 2010

So I'm a rebel. Just not in Arizona.

I was reading an article that has 'bizarre' state laws. They picked the craziest one for each state. For example, in California it is illegal to eat an orange in a bathtub. As I was reading them, I was thinking how fun it would be to make a life goal to break every single one of them. Because really, even if I did get in trouble for it, how funny would it be to go to jail for eating an orange in your tub? Pretty dang. Other laws might be a little difficult to break though. For example, in Pennsylvania it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. I'd not only have to go to Pennsylvania, but find a refrigerator, transport it outside, find a way to get on top of it, and then go to sleep. That's a little too much effort for a laugh. Some states have laws that are practically asking the rest of the country to make fun of them. For example, in Kentucky every citizen is required to take a shower once a year. So I was thinking I can just go break the crazy Arizona law just for kicks . . . . until I read it. The 'bizarre' law they picked for Arizona is that no one can chop down a cactus. Well, we all know that. And we know there is like intense penalties for it, so it's not so bizarre. Which makes me think that maybe in other states, their 'bizarre' are also well known and totally normal to them. Like, if I was to go to North Carolina and ask about their crazy law, they'd be all, "Well, of course it's against the law to sing off-key. Everyone knows that." I also love them because I like to imagine what must have happened in order for it to become a law. Like the law in Rhode Island that says it is illegal to bite off someone's leg. How many times did that have to happen before the people to be like, hmm, maybe we should make a law against that?

Alabama: It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Alaska: Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.
Arizona: Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.
Arkansas: It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.
California: You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.
Colorado: It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).
Connecticut: A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.
Delaware: It’s illegal to get married on a dare.
Washington, D.C.: It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
Florida: If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.
Georgia: It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.
Hawaii: All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.
Idaho: A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.
Illinois: It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).
Indiana: The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
Iowa: One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Kansas: It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).
Kentucky: Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.
Louisiana: Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.
Maine: If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.
Maryland: It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).
Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.
Michigan: A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
Minnesota: It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).
Mississippi: Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).
Missouri: Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.
Montana: It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
Nebraska: Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.
Nevada: It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.
New Hampshire: It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
New Jersey:It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
New Mexico:Females may not appear unshaven in public.
New York: While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.
North Carolina: It’s against the law to sing off-key.
North Dakota: It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Ohio: You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.
Oklahoma: It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.
Oregon: State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.
Pennsylvania: It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Rhode Island: You may not bite off another person’s leg.
South Carolina: If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.
South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
Tennessee: Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.
Texas: You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
Utah: It is illegal not to drink milk.
Vermont: Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Virginia: Tickling a woman is unlawful.
Washington: It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.
West Virginia: If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.
Wisconsin: Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.
Wyoming: Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.

Friday, December 24, 2010

So everyone can take pleasure in my pain.

Everyone knows I'm not the greatest cook. If I follow directions EXACTLY things tend to be ok. It's when I get creative that things go terribly wrong. Like tonight.
Yes, it is Christmas Eve - at 11:30 pm actually when I'm writing this. I offered to make a breakfast casserole for the family for Christmas morning. But I wanted to make it the night before because I'm definitely not a morning person. The casserole I decided to make has a ton of ingredients including bacon. I hate cooking bacon, so I decided to throw it in the oven on an aluminum pan to cook instead. While it was in there I was busy grating the cheese, chopping the onions, etc. I was very careful to diligently check on the bacon so it wouldn't burn but it didn't seem to be cooking. So I turned up the cooking temp to somewhere over 400 degrees. I then kept assembling the rest of it and remember thinking how well it was going, and how I might actually have an uneventful cooking experience. And that was the moment the fire alarm went off.
I kind of panicked when it happened because the alarm was SO loud, and it was 10:30 at night. I didn't want to wake my neighbors and cause a bigger scene. So I started running to my patio door and then stopped when I saw how much smoke was coming out of the oven so I ran back to the oven to grab the bacon. That's when I remembered that I only have one hot pad and all my towels were in the wash. I took the one hot pad and attempted to take the pan out of the oven. Because the pan was just aluminum foil, it kind of crumpled around my hand, spilling bacon grease all over the oven, all over the floor, and covering my thumb in the bubbling mess. I ran with the collapsing pan to the patio door where I remembered that the patio door isn't only locked, but it's blocked by a security device thing because I'm paranoid at night. I had to free the security bar while my thumb became one with the boiling grease that kept threatening to redecorate my living room floor. Miraculously I got the pan out on the patio before the pan could completely collapse.
I then ran and got a shirt and furiously tried to wave the smoke out the door to stop the alarm. After a couple minutes the alarm finally quieted and I realized how stinking bad my thumb hurt. I actually had bought a first aid kit over a year ago that I had never used. I brought it out and tried to find some kind of burn cream. I had to through every item in the kit including an emergency blanket, a glow stick, and anti-diarrheal pills before I FINALLY found some burn cream. By the way, have you ever noticed that it takes two working thumbs to open a bandaid?
So tonight I learned not to cook bacon in the oven, that people that make first aid kits apparently people think most customers are diarrhea-ridden, cold, and in the dark, and that I really need two hot pads.
Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

So I hate Walmart.

I've never been too thrilled with the service at Walmart. In fact, I can't think of anyone that has had good service at Walmart. But it seems to have gotten worse lately. Before I'd become immune to the rude comments and slow service, but now it's almost like they're all having a contest to see who can alienate the most customers the fastest. And they are all winning. The other day I was there with my brother and sister and they were wanting a Calendar. Just a basic calendar. But we couldn't find them anywhere . . . . so I actually attempted to ask someone. The first person suggested somewhere we had already looked and then gave up, the second person pretended not to hear me, and then I came upon the third employee. This employee actually suggested an area and offered to show me where she thought they were. I actually got a little excited because they never actually go with you, even if it is only 25 feet away. They normally just point and mumble. Well, when we got there and she saw that there wasn't actually any calendars, she just shrugged and stared at me. As if I'm supposed to thank her for walking me to a dead end. So I asked if she knew of another department that would have them, and she just started staring vacantly and then slowly inching to the end of the aisle so she could leave. I really couldn't believe it - I wasn't being rude, but she just wouldn't help. Nearby customers saw this whole scene and actually started suggesting where they think they've seen some calendars. It's pretty pathetic when a company as big as Walmart has to rely on the customers to help each other.
The other night I was there around 1 am, which is no fun to begin with because that is when all the weird people come out to shop. But it also means that all the employees are restocking the shelves. Which is understandable except for the fact that they like to pretend customers aren't there. When I try to get past them, they ignore me as if I'll just go away if they pretend I'm not there. And when I was in an aisle that night they actually placed a ton of crates of merchandise on either end of the aisle without me realizing it. It completely blocked me in. When someone finally came to move it out of the way, they not only didn't apologize, they looked at me like I should be apologizing to them for making them move the crates.
I've decided the customer service training for Walmart must consist of:
"Try not to make death threats to the customers. Unless they ask you questions. Then it's totally understable. The End."

Sunday, December 5, 2010

So it's been busy

So a couple days ago my little sister Jarica called me and told me her gerbil, that she'd had for 5 years was dying. I went over to stay with her as moral support - because having your first pet die is tough. It was a very long un-fun process. I've decided we need to be able to have inexpensive ways of putting gerbils to sleep. I kept googling for a way to do that - but apparently I'm the first to think of it because everyone else was more interested in how to keep their gerbil alive. Go figure.
When the gerbil did pass we had a heck of a time trying to find the right size box for him (or her? . . . ). Every box we found was pretty big enough for the gerbil and 300 of his friends. We finally found a little box that was supposed to be for golf balls. It was just the right size. Then I tried explaining to Jarica that we can't really bury him - because when I did that for all my 26 hamsters they ended up being Hors d'œuvres for the coyotes. So I took on the duty of carrying out the burial via the trash can. Except that after enduring the many exhausting hours before, I was kinda in a hurry to get home and the recycle bin was the closest to my car. So the recycle bin ended up being the gerbil's final resting place. The next morning one of my friends from work came over and said she saw this sign on a recycle truck:

And she asked, "Who would EVER throw a gerbil in the recycle bin?!?!"

Um . . . that would be me.

On an entirely different note, I've been working A LOT lately and on Saturday morning I was walking into work when I saw this:

And then I wondered why the sunset was on the wrong side. It took me awhile to remember that sunrises are on the east side. It's been awhile since I've witnessed one. Well, willingly at least. Which is why I don't believe I should be awake before 8am - I'm just too stupid to handle sunrise logic.