So . . . yeah

So I'm still alive.

2011-11-01T06:07:00.000-07:00

Hello there. Nice to see you. So I kinda forgot about this whole blog thing. It's funny how that happens. And to be honest, I don't really have anything really inspiring or earth shattering to share, but just thought I'd drop in.

Nothing's really changed. I'm still getting into weird situations, not sleeping, and having random health issues. Lately I've been changing what I eat, just to keep it interesting. Last week I decided to try all different brands of yogurt because I'm trying to find the best one. So every morning for breakfast I had a different kind. I was worried though that by the end of the week I would forget which brand I liked or didn't like. So I started writing my 'review' for the yogurt down on whatever was closest. So on random pieces of paper at work I have things written down like: 'Cascade Fresh: sour and lumpy', 'Stonyfield: liquidy and chunky', 'Chobani: possibly grabbed sour cream on accident?', 'Athenos: expired? or just really funky?'. And because I'm apparently really not organized, I wrote each one on something completely different. One was on a meeting agenda, one was a on a presentation, one on my calendar, etc. It makes for some fun reading and explanation for my co-workers that are wondering who I'm calling liquidy and chunky. Doesn't that description just make you hungry? Yum.

So it's been awhile

2011-07-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have been busy and have kinda stayed away from the whole blogging idea for the last couple weeks. I've been trying to think of anything noteworthy to update with and this is all I've got:

- Remember how I got a flat tire while my nephew was in the car? Well he has yet to quit reminding me that my car is busted and that "Chelsie, you really shouldn't busted your car." Well, then a couple of weeks ago he was over at my apartment when my sister and I were bringing in groceries. My sister accidentally dropped a thing of sodas on the ground where 2 promptly self destructed. I brought the rest into the apartment and set it on the counter. As soon as I did, several cans dropped to the kitchen floor and burst open. The soda sprayed EVERYWHERE . . . the walls, the microwave, the ceiling, etc. I was kinda staring in disbelief when Ridge, who was watching from a couple feet away looked amazed. He then said, "What happened Chelsie? Your house 'splode (explode)?" So now he tells me that my car is busted and my house 'splode. Just Grand.
- I saw a trainer/fitness chick/hater-of-all-that-is-pain-free a couple of days ago. She apparently though I was in training to become a line backer, because she had me doing up-downs and all kinds of crazy exercises. By the end of it I couldn't feel my legs, and now I wish I couldn't feel my legs. It hurts so bad that I can barely get out of a chair, let alone walk. I've procrastinated anything that requires movement including going to the bathroom and sneezing. I'm now walking so funny that I've contemplated finding a wheel chair for the next couple or months, or whenever my muscles recover - whichever comes first. Which is ironic because I'm supposed to be working out so I could walk more, not less. I've learned my lesson: Exercise is bad for my health.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Pretty boring.

So I cannot say goodbye

2011-06-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'm in a predicament. So, to try and explain you have to understand that I am about the opposite of a hoarder with most things. I do not like holding on to a bunch of stuff, and have, on several occasions, thrown perfectly good items away. I'm talking clothes, movies, cds, childhood items, etc. I know it can be seen as wasteful - but I just hate having so much CLUTTER everywhere. If I don't use it - it's gone.

With that said, I randomly get extremely attached to certain things. I'm sure you're thinking that this is totally normal. However, let me demonstrate how I'm once again NOT normal.

The year is 1995 and I am in fifth grade. The world became fascinated with the scrunchie. All the girls in my grade literally couldn't go a day without accessorizing with a scrunchie on the wrist. And it was never just one scrunchie . . . it was always several (apparently in case some fatal accident occurs that requires the assistance of multiple scrunchies to . . . hold someones hair back.) So being the cool, classy chick that I am (don't all laugh at once) I followed suit and wore more scrunichies on my arm than anyones hair called for.I came in from recess one day and realized that in the process of walking around the fields (because playing on the swings was SO beneath me) I had lost a scrunchie. I immediately became so devastated that I rushed to my teacher and tearfully explained that I lost my scrunchie at lunch and absolutely HAD to go outside to find it. She pointedly looked at the remaining perfectly good scrunchies wrapped around my wrist and told me that I couldn't, but that she was sure it would show up in Lost and Found the next day. It didn't. I was so traumatized over this, that YES, I obviously still remember it. Being that attached to a hair accessory isn't healthy.

Well, it's happening again. You might remember that my computer is dying. It's been dying for awhile now and I'm having a hard time accepting it. And there's no doubt that it's over for this computer. It's literally being held together with masking tape in some places (aren't you surprised that I didn't use hot glue?) (not that I didn't think about it. But the masking tape was closer. I think that's how all life decisions should be made . . . which way is faster?). This computer has played it's last song, it has surfed it's last web, it has . . . well, you get the idea. And I was recently able to buy a new computer. The new computer is amazing - it has everything that the old computer doesn't have (um, it's functioning) and more. And yet I do not want to get rid of the old computer. Certain siblings have even offered to take it off my hands to squeeze the last bit of power out of it. It's probably selfish of me, but I can't let it go. I have had this computer for 4 years and I've used it pretty much every single day. I'm pretty sure this computer is going to be sitting on my desk until I'm 72. Like I said, I'm in a predicament.

So have you ever gone into a room and forgot what you needed? Yeah, I did that. But instead of a room, I went to WalMart.

2011-05-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

This last week I was supposed to have 4 days off of work. Instead, I decided to do overtime. Not because I missed the wonderful world of work, but because everything I own apparently had a secret pact to all break at the same time. My TV died (we've been over that), my computer is on it's last leg, my cell phone is randomly freezing and turning itself off, and my dresser literally rocks back and forth when touched. It's gotten so bad that I've decided that any clothes in the dresser are off limits - it's not worth risking it's collapse. So I worked 11 hours on Thursday and was exhausted when I got home. However, I had to rearrange my bedroom because my parents were getting me a new Queen sized bed on Saturday. Currently I have a twin sized bed (I KNOW!!) so, I have to move furniture around to make it all fit. And I decided to completely organize EVERYTHING in my room in the process. Because I apparently thought that I needed to reach new levels of exhaustion. After I completely finished I was getting ready for bed because I had to be at work the next day at 5 am. I was so ready for bed and then I realized that in the process of moving and organizing, I had completely lost my alarm clock. And the only back up alarm I have is my phone. You know, the phone that randomly freezes and dies. Super reliable. So I decided to tear everything apart looking for for the clock. Hours later, I gave up the search because it was close to 2am, and I had to be up at 4:30. But I still couldn't sleep because I was so sure I wouldn't be able to wake up. Even when I did kind of drift off, I would wake up in a panic, sure that I overslept. So Friday I was kind of in a fog of exhaustion. It wasn't pretty. But I was determined to get everything done. I finished work and remembered that the day before I had made a long list of things I needed at WalMart. I remembered that there were several things that I really needed for the weekend. So I got to WalMart, and had gotten into the store before I realized I couldn't remember even one thing I actually needed. I was walking around thinking that blankly staring down every aisle would help me remember something, anything. No luck. And in my sleep deprived state I was really upset thinking that I would leave empty handed. So I decided to grab the closest item and buy that so my trip wouldn't be in vain.

Which is why I left WalMart with a peach candle.

So this post is kinda a bummer . . . .

2011-05-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile because all I have to say are complaints and angry sarcastic rants. Nothing big has gone wrong, but lots of little super annoying things keep happening. Any one of them I could handle and laugh at. And some days I do just that - but then something else happens and I want to break something. Ok, so I'll try to put this in chronological order:
1. This is long - you may want to skip. . . . I decided to remake my wall thingy because I kinda hated it. It was super ugly and annoying. So, I thought I'd learned from the past and would use wood this time and it would be super easy. Yeah, right. I got the wood and paper for the project and would use mod podge to seal it together. So the mod podge thing wasn't getting the paper to stick to the wood, so naturally I decided to mix glue with the mod podge. Because my improvisations with crafts make me a winner. Nope, that just made the paper all lumpy and gross. My sister took the job over and showed me how to correctly mod podge, and when we needed something flat to smooth the paper out over the mod podge, I grabbed my driver's license. Naturally. So my driver's license is mod podged. Because I screwed up so many of the boards, we had to go and buy more scrapbook paper and redo them. Then they had to lay out in my tiny apartment on the couch, table, and basically every surface. The next day I realized that although I had bought wall hanging kits, I had only bought 6, because apparently I suck at math and didn't count the 9 boards that I actually had. I thought it was safe to stack the boards because they were spread out everywhere until I could get more hanging kits. That melded the boards together and ruined 2 of them. That I had to redo. Again. It eventually turned out ok - but I am so bitter over the effort it took. Grrr.
2. My TV broke right after I got DVR. I was able to get a smaller, but still functioning tv from my sister though, so I figured it'll work until I save to buy a new one.
3. My DVD player stopped working. We were able to figure out (after awhile) that it was just a bad cord. That could be replaced - so it wasn't a total loss.
4. I filled a prescription and then lost it within 24 hours. The entire thing. I tore apart my apartment and car looking for it to no avail. I then had to fight with the pharmacy to get it refilled. At the same time I got an ear infection and had the fun experience of dealing with the nurses at work that could not be more condescending and rude. They finally gave me prescriptions for my ear and the prescription costs ended up costing more money then I had a available, because my insurance is ridiculously horrible.
5. My DVR broke. The geniuses at Cox couldn't figure out what the problem was and sent a guy out to replace it. I told them I don't get off work until 5, so they would have to come after that. They said that was no problem and I promptly got a call at 4:15 from the Cox guy that he was outside my apartment. When I finally got there (after 5), he was not happy. He replaced the box, saying that would fix it. I lost all my saved shows, and had to reprogram all my recordings. Which is kinda time consuming, and annoying.
6. Not even 5 days after getting a new box, my DVR broke again. With the same problem. That happened last Saturday. This was also the day that my towel rack decided to fall off the wall and my refrigerator door handle broke off. Then, I also got infested with bugs. They're these little flying things that I found out (after much trial and error) can be killed with windex. So my entire place (including my face) ended up coated in windex while I tried to kill these suckers. There were a ton - I counted over 50 that I killed alone. I found that they were coming out of the drains, so I plugged all the drains which meant I couldn't wash dishes and freaked anytime I had to take a shower. I went to WalMart hoping to find something that kills unidentified bugs and all I could find were these fly papers. When I got home and took it out of the box it looked like a roll of film. I pulled on the ribbon attached to this roll of film and out came a 3 ft long roll of the most disgusting sticky stuff ever. That I got stuck to my face. Don't ask me how. The guy came out Monday to replace the cable box AGAIN. And he was completely rude. He just walked back into room and back to my closet. Without asking. And I really didn't think cable guys NEEDED to go into my bedroom (they never had before) so it was messy. So embarrassing. And what he needed wasn't even in the closet, and I could have told him that, but he didn't ask. So I lost all my shows again, and had to setup all my recordings, AGAIN.
7. Then, yesterday after work I tried to see if the tv was working. And it wasn't. It was freezing every couple minutes so that you can only catch pieces of conversations. I called Cox, spending close to an hour on the phone, and the guy said he needed to reset my box. I asked if this would erase all my shows and make me re-setup all my recordings. He assured me that it wouldn't, and then got off the phone. When my box restarted, it not only erased everything again, but it didn't fix the problem, so I had to call back AGAIN. And they have no solution except replacing it. Again. It's like a really bad version of Groundhog's Day with this stinking company.
8. Work. I've been careful not to discuss work online because it's dangerous, but I will just say that holy cow, it is adding to the list. In a big way.

This isn't even everything, but it's all happened in the last 3ish weeks. And I'm ready for things to be boring. Honestly.

*END OF ANGRY BITTER RANT*

So I had a dream . . . . and my subconscious is weird.

2011-04-13T13:39:00.001-07:00

My dreams are not normal. This shouldn't be surprising, really. They have plot lines, music, a motif, etc. They tend to be incredibly amusing. Last night I had a dream that I was auditioning for the play 'Man of La Mancha'. I'm a horrible actress - this is something my high school Theatre teacher will passionately agree with me on, so I'm a little confused as to why I would be trying out. Anyway, before try outs started, the Playwrite was making 'improvements' to the play. He wanted it to be different. So he added a character to the play. The character was a hamster that would roll on (not in) a ball throughout the scenes. But the Playwrite was having trouble coming up with the perfect name for the character. In desperation, he turned to all of the waiting auditionees to help. He said that whoever came up with the best idea for the character will get to play the character. This was, of course, the only possible way I would get cast. Everyone yelled out ideas, "Fluffy!" "Speedy!" "Fred!". And then it became my turn. And my idea, was . . . "Sir Mix-a-lot!" Naturally. So, I got the part. Because that was obviously the best name. I was the hamster that ran on a ball during the play while 'Baby Got Back' played in the background. SCORE!

So if I wear something cute it means I'm risking losing my job. Lesson learned.

2011-03-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up later than usual and threw on one of the few tops I have that I actually like. I tend to have tops of the circus tent variety, but this one is actually almost cute. I rushed out of my apartment having exactly 2 minutes to get to work before I'm considered late. And I hate being late so I'm hustling to my car. As I'm power walking (because running would just cause an injury - let's be honest) I noticed a woman in the parking lot. She was in her pajamas, staggering a litte, and could barely hold on to the cigarette she held in her hand. She was coming right at me, with purpose. So I did the only sensible thing - I decided that she was coming to attack me and that this parking lot would be the place where I would take my last breath. Ok, so I may have overreacted. She abruptly came to a stop a couple feet in front of me, tilted her head, squinted, and then said,

"Oh. You're not who I thought you were."

I breathed a sigh of relief, smiled, and continued my race to the car when she stopped me with,

"I really like your top. Where did you get it?"

Trying to end the conversation as fast as possible I said,

"Hey, thanks. Yeah, I don't remember where I got it-"

and then she interrupted,

" Well was it Kohls? Old Navy? Dilliards? How about Sears? I get my coats there . . . was it Sears? How about Target? Burlington? . . . "

I kept trying to explain that I didn't remember and casually bolt to the car but she just wouldn't let it go.

" . . . Savers? Garage Sale? Hey, why do you park over here? Don't you live way in the corner? Right? Don't you? You can have my spot . . . I lost my car to my stupid ex-boyfriend so I'm not using it. You wanna use it? . . . ."

This went on and on and all I could concentrate on was counting just how many minutes I was going to be late to work. I finally got to work . . . . 7 minutes late. All because of a cute top.

I got back tonite after having dinner with a friend and was pretty excited to utilize my new DVR to watch all my recorded shows. I had a pretty horrendous day at work and this would help me end the day on a positive note. I settled into the couch and attempted to turn the tv on. It responded with a clicking noise - but it wouldn't turn on. There is nothing like a broken tv that will make you re-examine your purpose in life. I said a final farewell to my tv and started looking thru Craig's list looking for a cheap replacement. Because life is not complete without mind sucking tv episodes. Well, I didn't really have much luck. I don't know if it's me, but the goods on craig's list have gone considerably downhill. For example, I came across this gem:

For those that don't have the ability to zoom in, the post is from someone trying to sell a tv - their description says: (my favorite parts in bold)

" This led flat screen television is a magnavox but does not work. It turns on but nothing comes out on the screen. Everything looks great on the outside - - the screen is not broken, no scratches, and it includes remotes but one remote isn't in great shape. I don't know what's wrong with the tv since I just purchase another tv instead of trying to fix this one . . . "

And they're only asking $75 for a broken tv. Sounds like a STEAL. Sign me up for that.

So my body and I are in a fight. And I'm losing. Again.

2011-03-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

Remember the whole sleeping thing? Yeah. That was actually going ok. And then my work schedule changed and my body revolted. I had finally trained my body on when to go to sleep and when to wake up - I had an early schedule at work meaning I had to wake up at 6 am for 2 months, which is basically the entire time I've been off sleeping pills. Then my schedule changed so that I didn't have to wake up until 8:30 am. I was super excited about all the sleep I would get. If only I knew.
The first morning of the new schedule, I woke up panicked at 6 am. My body was shouting, "It's time to wake up!!"Once I saw the clock, I had to kindly tell myself to go back to bed. Then my body would freak right out and wake up 15 minutes later screaming, "WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP!", just like a three year old would - you know, turn on the lights, jump on the bed, and start screaming in your face. The only appropriate response is a stern lecture and a warning, so I did just that and my body reluctantly settled down. Only to repeat that pattern every 15 minutes until 8:30. I'd trained myself into this Pavlovian response that my body was not appreciating being broken of. It started getting a little better after a week and then . . . of course, my schedule changed again. The first day of the change was yesterday, and I had the HARDEST time trying to get any coorperation. And I'm pretty sure I ticked my body off (I know it's weird that I talk about it like we are 2 different people, but that's how it feels sometimes. And now I'm pretty sure everyone is diagnosing me with multiple personalities. Terrific.) and so last night it refused to go to sleep. You know, in protest. I pretended not to notice, so that I didn't feed into it. Just like you would if a two year old was throwing a temper tantrum. That did nothing. But thankfully I got DVR over the weekend (which I am IN LOVE WITH) so I was able to distract myself from the fact that it was 4:30 in the morning and my body was sulking in the corner refusing to sleep just to prove a point. So I got 2 hours of sleep last night. Fun stuff. But the DVR . . . I don't know how I lived without it. It's like Christmas every time I turn on my tv and there's new shows to watch. And shows that I like. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the same infomercial in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep and nothing else was on. Which can be expensive, because HOLY COW they are inventing some cool stuff lately. Like this glue that can hold anything including a hammock holding two small children (which shouldn't be tried at home) at only $18.99 plus shipping. What they don't tell you is the shipping costs more than the product. Yeah, it's defintely cheaper to have a DVR.

So my car hates me and your future babies will look like a fascist dictator. True Story.

2011-03-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness. Nothing is ever boring with me it seems. So my sister Jarica and I went to Thatcher to go see my sister Chantel's new house. Knowing that my car thinks it's super fun to break down at the most inopportune times, I thought I'd be super prepared and get my car checked before the trip. So the day before we left I took my car in to get the oil changed and have them look at all the fluids and stuff. And apparently everything was great. So the trip up was fine except I always get a little bitter towards my car on road trips because my car is a PT CRUISER without CRUISE control. Talk about false advertising.

We got there with no problems and then I decided to leave to pick up pizza for dinner with my little nephew, Ridge. We weren't even a mile away from the house when I blew a tire. This is, by the way, the 4th tire I've had to replace in 6 months. There was a super loud noise and the car started thumping down the road. I was able to pull over and I was actually really calm about the whole thing. I was always kind of expecting it anyways. So Ridge of course had to see what was wrong, so he came out and inspected the car, then looked really serious and said, "Your car is BUSTED." Then he waited a couple moments and then stated, "You just have to get a new car." Shrugging his shoulders as if he felt really bad he had to break the news to me. As I was inspecting the tire, Ridge suddenly got really concerned about the pizza that we were failing to pickup. He decided we should just leave the car and walk to get the pizza. I mean, someone has to have priorities so I'm glad he was around to remind me that even though we were stranded with an overpriced hunk of junk, the important thing is that we left the pizza all alone. And its feelings might be hurt. So I called Chani to pick us up and we got the pizza before anything catastrophic happened. My brother in law Curtis later put the donut on and the next morning Jarica and I ventured to Walmart to empty my bank account. I went to the mechanic area and the mechanics all saw me and literally refused to help. Wouldn't even direct me to where I needed to go. For literally over 20 minutes they went about their work, refusing to help. It was so incredibly obnoxious. When I FINALLY got someone to help, they said they have the tire, it would be $70, and I would need to wait an hour. After waiting almost the entire hour they called me up and said, just kidding. They didn't actually have the $70 tire. They only had the $110 one. And they didn't figure that out until just then. So I left. I was so sick of the incompetence I wanted to scream. So instead I went to Big O. They helped right away, and even though the tire cost more, I was ok with it because they weren't so rude.

Anyway, on to good news. I found the Redbox movie yesterday. (I know you were all dying to know.) It was in my craft box. Naturally.

And my laptop seems to be getting better. The double clicking thing has actually stopped. It's like it's slowly healing itself. At this rate, it will be back to normal in about 2 years, 9 months.

Lastly, I found this ad while I was on some random site. And it just cracks me up. I know there was a way to mesh you and another person's face together to see what kind of kid you'd have, but all examples I've seen are like incredibly unattractive morphed versions of yourself. So I love that this company used this example as some kind of marketing campaign. It seems to be trying to scare people into not have children, because MAN, that baby looks like a baby Hitler with a uni brow. And the "Go Ahead. Make a Baby!" seems like a dare. It's kind of awesome. And a little scary.

So Redbox and I broke up.

2011-02-26T15:26:00.000-08:00

Awhile back, I rented the Social Network from Redbox. And then I promptly lost it. I didn't even have it in my possession long enough to watch it. Every single day I would randomly search for it - in the most random of places because that's where all my lost items tend to be found. After searching under the sink, in the dryer, and on the porch, I kind of gave up. I figured Redbox would just figure it out and charge me for the dvd and we would resume our normal renting and watching movies pattern. Which they did - they charged me $25. Then Redbox decided they don't want to be friends anymore. Even though our friendship is based on me giving a ridiculous amount of money for a nonexistent dvd. They won't let me rent from them now. It's all very tragic.

Speaking of terrible news, my laptop is dying a slow torturous death. I started to see the signs a couple of weeks ago. I guess I should have known it was coming - I've had this laptop for 4 years now. Which in technology age it's like Joan Rivers. It has started randomly restarting, suddenly exiting windows, running frustratingly slow. So I started looking at new laptops and saving a little. Then I got sick and . . . . well - this is kinda of gross, so I'll give you fair warning. So, I accidentally threw up on my laptop. I really wish that was a punchline, but no - I legitimately threw up on my laptop. So whatever wasn't broken before, definitely is now. So it has developed even more interesting quirks. The cursor thing double clicks on stuff without being touched - which means all the annoying ads get clicked on and when I try to close them, I end up double clicking on it which opens more windows. Random keys stopped working and others you have to push for awhile to get it to register. So every time I have to get online it's like a freaking adventure. I never know what's going to happen next.

So I think I've figured this whole sleep thing out. And by 'figured out' I mean 'accepted the fact that I am not normal'.

2011-02-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

So remember how I don't sleep? And how I've quit taking ridiculous amounts of sleeping aids because I didn't want to force my liver into early retirement? So it hasn't been easy but I think I've figured out of formula of what I have to do in order to sleep at night. If I skip one step, I get little to no sleep. I figured maybe some of these techniques will help others that can't sleep, so here it goes:

- Wake up ridiculously early. Like 6am early.
- Work for 11 hours. Race around the building all day long getting to meetings and listening to callers yell at you.
- Don't drink any kind of soda after 2 pm. Even if it doesn't have caffeine. In fact, just don't drink anything after 2pm.
- Get home and tackle some kind of project. Clean the entire house, re-organize your closet, alphabetize all your dvds, etc.
- Write a To-Do List for the next day so you can stop stressing about forgetting something.
- Around 8pm start a 'bedtime routine'. This is very similar to what you would do with a toddler to get them in the routine. Take a shower at the same time every night, brush your teeth, and if you really feel like reminiscing, put on some baby lotion.
- Turn off all lights, and force yourself to lay in bed (no books! no movies!).
- Don't let yourself out of the bed no matter how much you may cry. You'll just get distracted and end up watching an entire season of Lost.
- Remind yourself to not freak out that it is 2 am and you still haven't slept - this just getting your brain freaked out which is not conducive to sleep.

If these are all not followed, I get very little sleep. But, hey! I get some sleep and that's what counts. I think.

So, etc.

2011-01-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

It all started about 2 weeks ago. I decided to use my heater for the first time ever. As soon as I turned it on, there was a horrible smell and the smoke alarm went off. And even though I turned off the heater right away, the smoke alarm kept going for a couple minutes. I ended up trying to get warm using my blow dryer, just like our ancestors did.

Then on Monday night the 17th(?) I got sick. REALLY sick. It hit hard. And this stunk because it was also the night before I had to house sit for my parents. House sitting isn't a big deal - except that I was planning on getting my heater fixed while I was gone. Which meant I had to remove all valuables from the apartment. This sounds like an over reaction - but let me explain. So, the maintenance guy at my apartment is a little . .. .special. I'm really not sure how he got his job. When I first moved in there was a huge hole in my shower and no faucet. I asked them to fix it and the maintenance guy came over - empty handed. He actually asked me for a dime so he could screw in the faucet and then tried to leave the hole - even after I explained how having a hole can become a problem when I'm taking a shower. So - he's not the lightest bulb. So, I've thinking if he tries to fix my heater, my apartment is totally gonna catch on fire. And if that happens, I don't want all my important things to be destroyed. So I had to pack my most important things, and find a place for all the things that wouldn't fit. So . .. it was a long night. I ended up going to my parents house at 2:30 AM for a breathing treatment because I couldn't breathe. Fun stuff. Then I went to work without sleeping and then went to see the nurse. She said I have bronchitis and my oxygen count was really low because I've always had a lower lung capacity than most. So I had to go get drugs (YAY for drugs) and go home. Within 4 hours I felt worse. Much worse. So I ended up waiting 5 hours to get into Urgent Care. Who said I have the flu also. I was running fevers constantly and started suffering the fun effects of the stomach flu. It was horrible. I kept having asthma attacks and then started panicking because I couldn't breathe which made it worse. I was out of work the whole week. When I went back on Monday I was thinking I might be getting better and went to the nurse to get refills on my prescriptions. When I went there they said they were alarmed that I was getting worse, and that I had developed double ear infections. So I had to leave and get more prescriptions. The next day I felt like I really needed to try and make it through a day at work. So I went in feeling ok. Within 2 hours I suddenly had a huge asthma attack and coughing up blood (YUMMY!). I ran out to a rarely used hallway because I didn't want to make a scene. I couldn't catch my breath and was sure I was going to pass out in this hallway and die. Because I'm a little dramatic but also because I really couldn't breathe. I made it to the nurse ad when they saw that I was coughing up blood they weren't too excited. Apparently that isn't good. So they sent me home again. I then had to stay home the next day as well. When all was said and done, I spent close to $400 on doctor's visits, prescriptions, and over the counter medicines. Frankly, I'm surprised I'm still employed. So this is the VERY long excuse for why I haven't blogged in awhile. The End.

So I'll probably forget this by tomorrow . . .

2011-01-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

So work has been interesting lately. (If you ever miss a post, odds are it's about work, my sleep, or near death experiences. Sometimes all in the same post. Like magic!)

Anyway, so I'm helping train our new hires at work for the next 9 weeks. The manager had a long meeting with me today about expectations of their coaches (which is pretty much old news to me because I've been coaching for the past 2 years). So, we're going through different coaching techniques and several times he asked for an example of a certain situation (ex: "When have you had to deliver a difficult message to a co-worker?). Well, as luck would have it, I pretty much have experienced the very worst possible scenarios in my time working. Things that literally had him writing things down to remember because they were so bad. Because of this, we moved along pretty quickly because he could see I'm pretty seasoned. So we kept breezing through the material and he would start a topic and I would make a comment to show that I understand so we could move past it. I should mention that I'm still not taking any more sleep aids. Which also means I'm not sleeping. I've seriously had less than 4 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. Which tends to not end well. So I felt like the meeting was going pretty well -considering - until . . .

So the manager started going over how it's important to not just give someone the answer but to help them find the answer. To respond explaining that I understood I meant to use the old cliche "If you teach a man to fish, etc" but what ACTUALLY came out was: "Yeah, I had to teach a dog to fish."

There was a moment where I didn't even hear what I had actually said - and then I saw his eyes widen and he said, "Wow. You really have had some extreme experiences."

Maybe drug free is NOT the way to be.

So, Another Sleep Misadventure

2011-01-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

So last Saturday (the 1st) I decided to stop taking Benedryl and Tylenol PM every night. Health professionals everywhere just breathed a sigh of relief. This has nothing to do with a New Year's resolution, I just got tired of all super fun side effects taking massive amounts of drugs to get myself to sleep has caused me in the last 4+ years. You know, the foggy daze I was in, slurred speech, the Costco size Benedryl bottle that has been my constant sidekick, and the hate mail I receive daily from my liver. So on Saturday night I was awake until 5 am. That's when my resolve started to shake and I decided to look up symptoms of Benedryl overdose. Just to freak myself out so I don't decide to crack under the insomnia-induced pressure. And you wouldn't even believe what an overdose with Benedryl causes . . . .insomnia. (I KNOW!) It also causes a lot of other fun things I've experienced like headaches, blurred vision, fevers, etc.

So I made it through and didn't take anything. And I still haven't. (Applause). It has been really interesting as I notice changes . . . . for example, over the past several years I've gotten used to this constant mental fuzziness and it's been slowly going away. It's quite unsettling actually. It's almost like sitting in a room with a TV set to static. After a few seconds of listening to that loud buzzing you're like, 'Wow, that's super annoying and quite distracting.' But you get used to it. You learn to work around it and after awhile it becomes a new normal. It's been your background noise for so long that it's almost comforting. And then someone turns off the tv and it feels eerily quiet. So that's been me the last few days - walking around asking who turned off the tv. I'm sleeping about every other night which is pretty good considering. So, yeah.

Oh! And I almost forgot. I made something. It's a jewelry holder. I've been wanting one for awhile because my jewelry ends up in a tangled mess. But the ones I want are like $50 + shipping. So I decided to make my own. I saw an example online and it took a frame, attached some hooks, and then put some plastic mesh stuff in the middle so you can attach your earrings. I wasn't a huge fan of the plastic mesh anyway, but I couldn't find them anywhere. So I tried to think of something that would work. Then I saw cheese cloth, and it looks like something earrings would snag to. And, good news, cheese cloth can be used for other purposes than just keeping cheese modest. So I got a frame and painted it, screwed some hooks into it, and attached some cheese cloth with my trusty companion, hot glue. Then I attached some fabric behind the cheese cloth. I then made some flowers for the corner. It actually turned out really well - it kind of threw me off actually. I keep expecting it to self-destruct or something. But so far it's doing just fine, functioning and everything. Who woulda thunk?

So I'm a rebel. Just not in Arizona.

2010-12-27T16:10:00.001-08:00

I was reading an article that has 'bizarre' state laws. They picked the craziest one for each state. For example, in California it is illegal to eat an orange in a bathtub. As I was reading them, I was thinking how fun it would be to make a life goal to break every single one of them. Because really, even if I did get in trouble for it, how funny would it be to go to jail for eating an orange in your tub? Pretty dang. Other laws might be a little difficult to break though. For example, in Pennsylvania it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. I'd not only have to go to Pennsylvania, but find a refrigerator, transport it outside, find a way to get on top of it, and then go to sleep. That's a little too much effort for a laugh. Some states have laws that are practically asking the rest of the country to make fun of them. For example, in Kentucky every citizen is required to take a shower once a year. So I was thinking I can just go break the crazy Arizona law just for kicks . . . . until I read it. The 'bizarre' law they picked for Arizona is that no one can chop down a cactus. Well, we all know that. And we know there is like intense penalties for it, so it's not so bizarre. Which makes me think that maybe in other states, their 'bizarre' are also well known and totally normal to them. Like, if I was to go to North Carolina and ask about their crazy law, they'd be all, "Well, of course it's against the law to sing off-key. Everyone knows that." I also love them because I like to imagine what must have happened in order for it to become a law. Like the law in Rhode Island that says it is illegal to bite off someone's leg. How many times did that have to happen before the people to be like, hmm, maybe we should make a law against that?
Enjoy:

Alabama: It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Alaska: Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.
Arizona: Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.
Arkansas: It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.
California: You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.
Colorado: It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).
Connecticut: A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.
Delaware: It’s illegal to get married on a dare.
Washington, D.C.: It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
Florida: If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.
Georgia: It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.
Hawaii: All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.
Idaho: A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.
Illinois: It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).
Indiana: The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
Iowa: One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Kansas: It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).
Kentucky: Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.
Louisiana: Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.
Maine: If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.
Maryland: It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).
Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.
Michigan: A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
Minnesota: It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).
Mississippi: Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).
Missouri: Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.
Montana: It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
Nebraska: Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.
Nevada: It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.
New Hampshire: It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
New Jersey:It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
New Mexico:Females may not appear unshaven in public.
New York: While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.
North Carolina: It’s against the law to sing off-key.
North Dakota: It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Ohio: You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.
Oklahoma: It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.
Oregon: State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.
Pennsylvania: It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Rhode Island: You may not bite off another person’s leg.
South Carolina: If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.
South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
Tennessee: Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.
Texas: You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
Utah: It is illegal not to drink milk.
Vermont: Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Virginia: Tickling a woman is unlawful.
Washington: It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.
West Virginia: If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.
Wisconsin: Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.
Wyoming: Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.

So everyone can take pleasure in my pain.

2010-12-24T22:27:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows I'm not the greatest cook. If I follow directions EXACTLY things tend to be ok. It's when I get creative that things go terribly wrong. Like tonight.

Yes, it is Christmas Eve - at 11:30 pm actually when I'm writing this. I offered to make a breakfast casserole for the family for Christmas morning. But I wanted to make it the night before because I'm definitely not a morning person. The casserole I decided to make has a ton of ingredients including bacon. I hate cooking bacon, so I decided to throw it in the oven on an aluminum pan to cook instead. While it was in there I was busy grating the cheese, chopping the onions, etc. I was very careful to diligently check on the bacon so it wouldn't burn but it didn't seem to be cooking. So I turned up the cooking temp to somewhere over 400 degrees. I then kept assembling the rest of it and remember thinking how well it was going, and how I might actually have an uneventful cooking experience. And that was the moment the fire alarm went off.

I kind of panicked when it happened because the alarm was SO loud, and it was 10:30 at night. I didn't want to wake my neighbors and cause a bigger scene. So I started running to my patio door and then stopped when I saw how much smoke was coming out of the oven so I ran back to the oven to grab the bacon. That's when I remembered that I only have one hot pad and all my towels were in the wash. I took the one hot pad and attempted to take the pan out of the oven. Because the pan was just aluminum foil, it kind of crumpled around my hand, spilling bacon grease all over the oven, all over the floor, and covering my thumb in the bubbling mess. I ran with the collapsing pan to the patio door where I remembered that the patio door isn't only locked, but it's blocked by a security device thing because I'm paranoid at night. I had to free the security bar while my thumb became one with the boiling grease that kept threatening to redecorate my living room floor. Miraculously I got the pan out on the patio before the pan could completely collapse.

I then ran and got a shirt and furiously tried to wave the smoke out the door to stop the alarm. After a couple minutes the alarm finally quieted and I realized how stinking bad my thumb hurt. I actually had bought a first aid kit over a year ago that I had never used. I brought it out and tried to find some kind of burn cream. I had to through every item in the kit including an emergency blanket, a glow stick, and anti-diarrheal pills before I FINALLY found some burn cream. By the way, have you ever noticed that it takes two working thumbs to open a bandaid?

So tonight I learned not to cook bacon in the oven, that people that make first aid kits apparently people think most customers are diarrhea-ridden, cold, and in the dark, and that I really need two hot pads.

Merry Christmas.

So I hate Walmart.

2010-12-21T14:03:00.000-08:00

I've never been too thrilled with the service at Walmart. In fact, I can't think of anyone that has had good service at Walmart. But it seems to have gotten worse lately. Before I'd become immune to the rude comments and slow service, but now it's almost like they're all having a contest to see who can alienate the most customers the fastest. And they are all winning. The other day I was there with my brother and sister and they were wanting a Calendar. Just a basic calendar. But we couldn't find them anywhere . . . . so I actually attempted to ask someone. The first person suggested somewhere we had already looked and then gave up, the second person pretended not to hear me, and then I came upon the third employee. This employee actually suggested an area and offered to show me where she thought they were. I actually got a little excited because they never actually go with you, even if it is only 25 feet away. They normally just point and mumble. Well, when we got there and she saw that there wasn't actually any calendars, she just shrugged and stared at me. As if I'm supposed to thank her for walking me to a dead end. So I asked if she knew of another department that would have them, and she just started staring vacantly and then slowly inching to the end of the aisle so she could leave. I really couldn't believe it - I wasn't being rude, but she just wouldn't help. Nearby customers saw this whole scene and actually started suggesting where they think they've seen some calendars. It's pretty pathetic when a company as big as Walmart has to rely on the customers to help each other.

The other night I was there around 1 am, which is no fun to begin with because that is when all the weird people come out to shop. But it also means that all the employees are restocking the shelves. Which is understandable except for the fact that they like to pretend customers aren't there. When I try to get past them, they ignore me as if I'll just go away if they pretend I'm not there. And when I was in an aisle that night they actually placed a ton of crates of merchandise on either end of the aisle without me realizing it. It completely blocked me in. When someone finally came to move it out of the way, they not only didn't apologize, they looked at me like I should be apologizing to them for making them move the crates.

I've decided the customer service training for Walmart must consist of:

"Try not to make death threats to the customers. Unless they ask you questions. Then it's totally understable. The End."

So it's been busy

2010-12-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

So a couple days ago my little sister Jarica called me and told me her gerbil, that she'd had for 5 years was dying. I went over to stay with her as moral support - because having your first pet die is tough. It was a very long un-fun process. I've decided we need to be able to have inexpensive ways of putting gerbils to sleep. I kept googling for a way to do that - but apparently I'm the first to think of it because everyone else was more interested in how to keep their gerbil alive. Go figure.

When the gerbil did pass we had a heck of a time trying to find the right size box for him (or her? . . . ). Every box we found was pretty big enough for the gerbil and 300 of his friends. We finally found a little box that was supposed to be for golf balls. It was just the right size. Then I tried explaining to Jarica that we can't really bury him - because when I did that for all my 26 hamsters they ended up being Hors d'œuvres for the coyotes. So I took on the duty of carrying out the burial via the trash can. Except that after enduring the many exhausting hours before, I was kinda in a hurry to get home and the recycle bin was the closest to my car. So the recycle bin ended up being the gerbil's final resting place. The next morning one of my friends from work came over and said she saw this sign on a recycle truck:

And she asked, "Who would EVER throw a gerbil in the recycle bin?!?!"

Um . . . that would be me.

On an entirely different note, I've been working A LOT lately and on Saturday morning I was walking into work when I saw this:

And then I wondered why the sunset was on the wrong side. It took me awhile to remember that sunrises are on the east side. It's been awhile since I've witnessed one. Well, willingly at least. Which is why I don't believe I should be awake before 8am - I'm just too stupid to handle sunrise logic.

So if you can comprehend this post it means you can also follow my daily train of thought. If you can, I'm sorry. And I think we should be friends.

2010-11-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

A friend recommended these drink mix in things - apparently they have vitamins and taste good or something. And Costco sells them so I figured it would be a good deal. I didn't even realize until I got home that I spent $20 something dollars for 30 packets of mix in powder stuff. And one packet is supposed to be mixed into one water bottle - so it's kind of a rip off.

So I had a lot of expectation for these little packets and brought them to work. This is all in an attempt to not drink soda and I was kinda excited when I broke out the packet at work. And then I put it in the water bottle and the water started bubbling, and FOAMING, and then like exploded all over my desk. And when it started bubbling over I tried to sip a little to stop it which is basically the worst decision I've ever made. I just got a mouthful of foaming, fizzing powder that even a Fear Factor contestant would pass on. I've decided that when I have kids I'm gonna use this stuff in lieu of tobasco sauce or soap if my kid starts saying bad words. I think it'll be effective. And possibly become something they'll look forward to if my cooking skills don't improve.

And then when I looked back at the purple bubbling foam I was suddenly reminded of the Power Rangers movie. The villain in it is Ivan Ooze and in the movie there is the purple goo that grows larger and larger and then forms Ivan Ooze. Which looks like a dignified grandpa that took a bath in some grape kool-aid.

This is eerily similiar to my expression when my water bottle exploded.

Which is what reminded me of when my sisters and I would play Power Rangers and fight over who got to play Kimberly, the pink ranger. Because we thought she was the prettiest and really wanted to date the green ranger - or the white ranger. It was a very complicated love triangle. So we compromised by calling each other Kimberly, Dimberly, and Wimberly. And then this reminded me of how I read that some celebrity married someone named Gimberly. Which made me really want to write to Gimberly and ask her if her parents were also Power Rangers fans that always wanted to be Kimberly. And then ask her if she knows Gimberly is not a real name.

And this is why I think it would be much more productive if I drank Diet Coke at work instead.

So the world is so much more interesting when you are not completely conscious.

2010-11-18T15:41:00.000-08:00

Wait . . . . don't your potatoes have faces on them?

So last night was another night where my brain thought it would a great thrill to see what would happen if I didn't sleep. At all. Just to keep things interesting. And of course, today was the most demanding day I've had in awhile at work. I had a potluck and a 3 hour training to facilitate. For the potluck I decided to bring Funeral Potatoes because they are scrumptious and apparently I'm the over achiever that couldn't just bring donuts like the rest of the world. I wanted them to be hot and nummy when I brought them in so I planned on cooking them right up until I had to leave. Well, because I couldn't sleep, I decided to just go into at 6am, so around 5:30 I'm leaving with this blazing hot pan of funeral potatoes and all I brought to carry them with was a small hand towel that didn't even reach the length of the pan, so I was always holding a part of the pan with my bare hands. Now here's the thing I've noticed when I don't get sleep - I don't plan ahead, get distracted really easily, and my hand/eye coordination (which is normally at a 4 year old level) dramatically decreases. I also had to hold a Jeopardy game that I made for the training. So that is balancing on one arm while my hands are playing hot potato (literally) with the funeral potatoes. I'm pretty sure I have at least 2nd degree burns on my hands, I just can't feel them yet.

Right before I was leaving work, my supervisor told me that she monitored some of the calls I had taken this morning. She didn't tell me if it was good or bad - just that she had listened to some of the calls I had taken. And here's the scary thing - I honestly don't remember even taking calls this morning. Which is making me pretty nervous and really hoping that I didn't give away $20,000 to a merchant because I liked the sound of their name.

Then on the way home from work I got distracted because I saw one of those super tiny cars and started wondering if having a smaller car means you have a less chance of getting in a car accident because their is less car to hit and I ended up driving to 51st ave - which is at least a couple miles away from my house.

So I've decided that it is important to make the decision to never make life choices on days like this. Because I can imagine myself waking up one day wondering why I no longer have a job, live in Wisconsin, and became a politician all because of one day without sleep.

So healthy food is weird.

2010-11-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

I'm on a quest to eat better, because I think it's fun to add some more challenges in my life. This never ends well because I always come across stuff like this:

In case you can't read the bag, it says: Terra: exotic vegetable chips. I was thinking before I opened the bag that 'exotic' referred the kinds of vegetables used, or maybe these vegetables had an exciting accent. Then I found out that 'exotic' must actually mean 'alarming discoloration'. See Exhibit A:

So this chip looked questionable. Especially if the question was, 'Do you think people will notice unidentifiable purple stringy things found in the chips?' (The answer? . . . Yes.) Then I dared to try and eat one and it felt like I was chewing plastic. No joke. And, funny enough, I don't really care for eating plastic. So I tried to justify it by thinking that there must be obscene amounts of vitamins packed into each chip. Because they're vegetables, right? And then I looked at the Nutritional Facts. The most of any vitamin these plastic chips had was 8% of Vitamin A, which is pretty much the equivalent of the amount of vitamins you would get it you licked a Flintstones vitamin. So there was basically no reason for me to gnaw on plastic. Perfect.

By the way, I found this photo on Awkward Family Photos and I have yet to stop laughing about it. So many awesome things going on in this photo . . . . you think this family would mind if I framed it and displayed it in my house? It may be a tad too creepy even for me . . .

So this is getting ridiculous.

2010-11-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

My life has been ridiculous lately. There just isn't another word to explain it. Friday my car broke again - it won't shift out of park and I've already taken it in and they replaced some parts and then it broke again. The only way we can get it shift again is to drag the car a couple inches and then it'll shift - well, it'll shift until it decides to take a break. And then we drag it again with my dad's truck. When we took it in, the shop said that they can't tell what's wrong because in order for me to get it to the shop we have to get it to shift again, so it wasn't 'broken' when they saw it. So their suggestion is for me to take it back and drive it until it breaks and then take it back in again. (Which means, again, that I would have to get it to shift again so AGAIN it won't be broken when they saw it). The shop guy took about 10 minutes before he figured out that this didn't make sense. So I have the car again, but I just never know when it's going to break down. Which means I'm rethinking every errand I have to make. Suddenly wearing pajamas to get gas is not such a good idea - because if I'm stuck there for three hours, that could be awkward. My dad came up with a way to possible stop the shifter from getting stuck, which practically involves a secret handshake and a code word, and seeing as I complicate simple things like walking, any added step causes emotional distress.

Then, Saturday morning I was suddenly infested with gnats. And gnats are possibly the stupidest and most annoying organism in the world. They have NO FEAR. They just fly right up to your face like, "HEY! WHAT'S UP!? HEYHEYHEYHEY!" and do not know when to quit. And any attempts to trying to kill them inevitably ends up with hitting yourself in the face. So I decided to google it and started typing, and then google started doing the "Hey, I think I can finish your sentence! Let me guess! LET ME!!" and it is ALWAYS WRONG. See below:

I finally found the information I needed and so I did what the internets told me to and filled a bunch of cups with apple cider vinegar and oil and placed them around the apartment. (Seriously, I sometimes wonder if all of the internet got together in some kind of conspiracy and made up something crazy and watched to see if people actually did it. Because it's on the internet. Like, for example, placing cups of apple cider vinegar and oil around your house. They're probably watching and screaming, "I can't believe she did it!! She actually set out the equivalent of salad dressing around her house thinking it will kill bugs! These crazy kids . . . . ")

Then, because I was feeling uber gross with gnats flying around, I poured chlorine bleach down every drain, then plugged the drain, and filled the sink/bathtub with bleach. You know, for good measure. So my apartment now smells like a pool on steroids. And the fumes are ridiculous and headache-inducing.

Because I was stuck at home because my car was being ridiculous, I decided to dye my hair. And I have yet to figure out how to gracefully rinse out the dye - so I end up doing acrobatic yoga poses trying to rinse my hair without staining my clothes and the rest of the bathroom, which took FOREVER. And I'm pretty sure that in the process of attempting to climb the walls for a better hair rinsing posistion, I did some kind of damage to my legs and back. They hurt crazy bad that night and still do. And I didn't mention anything because I get accused of being dramatic (I have no idea why). And then yesterday I noticed that I have two huge bologna-sized bruises (nice visual, eh?) on the front of my shins. I'm willing to bet that I'm the only person who has ever bruised themselves while dying their hair. It takes talent.

So Spammers are not cool. And also not the smartest.

2010-10-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

So apparently my email was hacked. And I only found out because my sister texted me that she's gotten a couple weird emails from me. So I finally went in to check it and didn't see anything odd in the 'sent' folder. And I was thinking, wow either the emails she's talking about are totally legitimate and I should be offended, or these spammers are getting pretty savvy. And then I found THIS in my inbox.

Yeah, the spammers sent ME an email from myself with their little spam link. Way to not alert the email owner, Mr. Spammer. Now the other thing is - this email I got had pretty much every single email address in my contacts included. So I know that pretty much everyone I know has been receiving a bunch of these spam emails and hasn't mentioned anything to me. I'm come to the conclusion that this can only be because of the following reasons:

1) They don't ever read my emails anyway.

2) They opened it, saw something completely random/possibly illegal and decided it really came from me - because I'm THAT weird.

3) They opened it, clicked on the link, unleashed a horrible virus and broke their computer and now can't email me to tell me my email is hacked, because, well, they now have bigger problems.

So, if I broke your computer, I'm sorry. Oh, and to top it all off my car broke AGAIN today. I think I'm just going to have my paycheck deposited directly into the mechanic's bank account from now on. You know, cut out the middle man.

So whoever created Styrofoam needs to be slapped. Or at least put in time-out.

2010-10-22T16:50:00.001-07:00

This week has not been fun. My car broke AGAIN. It ended up costing me a AAA membership, a couple hundred dollars, and my sanity. Always fun. And money and I haven't been working out so well even before my shifter threw a temper tantrum and went on strike. So it's been a little stressful. The other night I had this dream that I was robbing a bank and as I was trying to get away cops kept pulling me over. And instead of arresting me, they issued me an 'insufficient funds' fee. (You know, the fun little surprise banks throw at you when you're money is gone. It's their cute way of saying, "You thought having -$2 was bad? HOW ABOUT -$37??!? Huh?! That's what I thought.) So I kept screaming at the cops that I didn't have $35.

Good times. So I woke up and was ticked when I realized that I didn't actually rob a bank. Because I was kinda liking the whole idea of burlap sacks full of cash. So the rest of the day I kept trying to rationalize to myself that robbing a bank isn't so bad.

Anyway, so on Thursday I decided to make this wall art thingy instead of robbing a bank. Because if I make a craft the possibility of being incarcerated is marginally smaller. I decided on this particular craft because all these crafty blogs were bragging about just how easy it was to make. Most bloggers in fact claimed they were able to make the craft, be in labor, and give themselves a pedicure all at the same time. So I figured I might be able to handle making it. You basically just attach scrapbook paper to a square foot of something - and it makes a cool looking design.

I went to Michael's because my awesome cousin Katy got me a gift card there (which came in handy because I had no money.) I thought using styrofoam to use as the base for the designs would be a good idea, because it is pretty light, and relatively cheap. It was pretty much the worst decision I've ever made. When I was buying the styrofoam there was some styrofoam glue next to it. I thought that was just a silly suggestion because isn't all glue the same in the end? (Spoiler alert: . . . . .um, no.) So I got some double sided tape and called it good. I had gotten 3 long pieces of styrofoam that had to be cut into threes so they could be used for the design.

The sound of cutting styrofoam is a shudder inducing squeal that grates on your ears. Whoever created styrofoam must've hated people, I'm sure of it. Then I slowly positioned all the double sided tape on the styrofoam pieces.

Jarica came over to help me. Her enthusiasm over the project was overwhelming. After finally taping all the pieces, I realized they weren't sticking. I decided that we could use paint (because honestly it was the closest thing to me that I considered sticky,) so I went through each piece and squirted a little paint under each scrapbook paper. Then I realized that wasn't doing the trick. So I used some glue. Which also didn't work. Then I used some crazy glue. That didn't work - and at this point I realized that whatever I was doing had actually started eating away at the styrofoam - it just caused little holes. Finally I got frustrated and just used hot glue. Because everything can be fixed with hot glue, right? This thing was so frustrating - and I haven't decided if I even like it yet.

After I had completed it, I mentioned to my sister Chantel about how frustrating the styrofoam was. And she asked me why I didn't just use wood, because apparently Home Depot practically gives away wood. And apparently I should've known this. Which means the paper would have stuck to it MUCH faster and I wouldn't have cried nearly as much. I don't like it when my sisters keep secrets about cheap deals from me. Not cool, Chantel. Not cool at all.

So I've got a headache

2010-10-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

I tend to get into habits of saying the same phrases over and over. It normally comes from a show I've watched or one of my friends. And for whatever reason a couple years ago I got in the habit of saying that I'll punch whoever I'm talking to in the face if they don't (insert random task here). I think it came from 'The Office' where Michael tells Dwight he better listen or he was gonna punch him in the face. Apparently I thought it was hilarious and it stuck with me. It is by far the stupidest saying I've ever used. The phase of me saying it didn't last very long because anytime I would say it, (Ex. "We better hang out soon or I'm gonna punch you in the face.") I would instantly wonder why the heck I would say that - it doesn't make any sense, is a little violent, and slightly offensive. So I stopped saying it and forgot all about it until today.

I've had a ridiculous headache since yesterday - which I thought I got rid of this morning and then it crept up all sneaky-like and smashed my brain with a frying pan while simultaneously run it's nails across my eye balls for good measure. I've lost my tolerance for this headache yesterday. So just now I said aloud to my co-worker that this headache better go away or I'm going to punch myself in the face. Now, I have no idea where that came from - but it is one example of how your past can come back to haunt you.

And I'm pretty sure punching myself in the face probably won't help my headache. But it sure would be funny to watch.

So I'm sure you can relate.

2010-10-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago I woke up to 2 flat tires on my car. Yes, two. I then spent close to $200 buying new tires because the tire guy decided that because of the way I drive the cheap tires would be worn out within a week. (I love how he completely judged me because I had apparently worn down the sides of my tires based on the fact that I run into sidewalks a lot. Doesn't everyone? Aren't they meant to be like the bumpers in the bowling alley?) Then the next week my car's battery died costing me $120.
I've yet to recover from the damage this has done to my budget which means I have to make my own food because it's supposedly cheaper. Which kinda explains the several bouts of food poisoning and loss of the bulk of my dishes as of late.
Here's the thing: food tastes better when I'm not the one making it. And it has nothing to do with the actual taste or quality . . . . I just can't stop thinking about all the ingredients.

Case in point - several months I coerced my little sister Jarica into making Chicken Carbonara with me from scratch. I tend to force people into helping me cook for the same reason I would bring someone with me down a dark alley - if they're the only one that makes it to the other side, they could at least witness to investigators where I got lost. I liked the Lean Cuisine version of Chicken Carbonara and had yet to try the real thing - and if the Lean Cuisine version was good then just IMAGINE how good the real thing is. The possibilities!

So we went about making this dish - which took close to 2 hours. We sat down to eat and both of us were surprised that it tasted pretty dang good. Jarica enthusiastically ate and even went to get seconds while I sat there slowly picking at it. Because you know what I was thinking about? All the ingredients. I kept thinking that I could actually taste the flour we used to make the sauce, the chicken stock, the eggs, etc. I've always had a problem putting ingredients in that I didn't like eating individually . . . and when I make food, I always taste the individual ingredients. Just because I know they're there. And then I remember the dishes waiting to be cleaned. Oh, the dishes. I can't tell you how many times I've stood staring at a dish mentally calculating how long it would take me to clean it and ended up convincing myself that the right thing to do for the world is to throw them away and buy new dishes. Because of course I'm sure these dishes are made in China or something, so I'm contributing to their job security, which is a very generous and charitable act. But of course no good deed goes unpunished, and I end up spending way too much money replacing those dishes. Which is why I now only have paper plates and bowls and up until last week didn't even have real silverware. And I've now decided that it's actually cheaper to pay someone to cook for me. It's in every one's best interest really.
Except China's.

So I went to a wedding. It's a long one people.

2010-09-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

Last weekend one of my good friends from work, Andi, got married in Greer, AZ. And I got to go. And in classic Chelsie style, it wasn't that simple.

I was supposed to pack and get ready on Thursday night, because I was supposed to leave from work on Friday. However, I needed to make 3 fabric flowers for Andi's flower girls. I've never made fabric flowers before, but figured they looked rather simple. And they are - unless you are attempting to talk on the phone, watch The Office, and make fabric flowers at the same time. Instead of actually looking up instructions, I figured I could wing it and just started cutting random circle-ish pieces of fabric. I then attempted to sew the pieces of fabric together and then attach the buttons - which, by the way I had to paint brown because I couldn't find brown buttons. I ended up breaking 2 of the 3 buttons in the process (because I'm talented) and ended up ripping replacement buttons off my own shirts hanging in the closet. (That's dedication, folks.) Then I had to go to the task of burning the edges - because apparently a fabric flower is not cute unless it looks like it survived a house fire. I finished burning the edges without much incident. Then I realized that these flowers were kinda huge, and when I started cutting I didn't even think about what size I was making them. They were about 2x the size I really needed. So instead of doing the practical thing and cutting off the excess, I figured I would just keep burning the edges. Well that amounted to A LOT of burning fabric which amounted to A LOT of floating ash flying around the room. And the smell wasn't pleasant. It seems that whenever I do anything crafty, it never looks organized and dainty like other women. Instead, it looks more like someone accidentally left the craft box out and a 6 year destroyed it and then started throwing things. For the amount of work they took, I don't really care for them, but I brought them anyway.

Well, because those dang flowers took so long to make, I didn't have time to pack and organize for the trip. I figured I'd just have to race home and pack quickly. I got off work at 1 and was able to pack relatively quickly - too quickly. I had to stop at the store though first, so I didn't actually get on the road until 2. It takes 4 hours to get there and I needed to be there around 6:30 for the rehearsal dinner. I figured I had just enough time. Then, before I even got out of town, a semi kicked a rock up and cracked my windshield. Which isn't a big deal except it kept getting bigger. And then I remembered someone telling me that you should really take care of cracks quick because a big enough crack could cause the windshield to collapse, and if you're going fast enough, the shards of glass would come flying at you. (When I got back, my Dad told me this isn't possible. But I tend to be the exception to the rule.) So this crack freaked me right out. I kept trying to decide how I could protect myself against shards of glass - I was tense the entire time.

THEN - (because my drive wasn't exciting enough) - I got pulled over. And of course, when I saw the sirens I realized I had no room to pull over - it was a very narrow road and there was only one lane, with no shoulder to stop in. But I had watched too many movies and was sure that if I just kept driving the cop would decide he would have to start shooting at me until I got the point (probably not what would happen, but that's my thought process). So I just stopped. In the road. Then the cop got on his little speaker phone thing and told me to keep driving. So I kept going which seemed like forever and then we came to an abandoned store on the side of the road, so I pulled in to the empty parking lot. If I was watching a scary movie, this would be where the main character gets killed by the serial killer disguising themselves as a cop. Anyway, I got pulled over because my tags were expired (I paid them, I just never got the tags!) - and was mostly just relieved I wasn't getting pulled over for speeding, because that would be my 3rd speeding ticket and traffic school aint fun. He let me go with a warning - but he took so dang long that by the time I could get on the road the sun was pretty much gone. I kept going for about 30 minutes and then my phone (which has a GPS on it) suddenly announced to me that I had arrived at my destination. Which was a lie - I was on a random mountain road with no lodge in sight. I figured it's not a problem, I'd just call some of my friends already there and they can tell me how to get there. Which is when I saw that I had no cell service.

By this point it was close to 7pm - I had been in the car for about 5 hours. I hadn't eaten anything the entire day and was planning on eating at the rehearsal dinner - that I was missing. And I desperately needed to use the restroom. By this point it was dark and the only thing I figured I could do was drive around looking for someone that might know where Greer Lodge was. So I drove and came across a couple cabins. A couple people I asked said they think the Lodge is close - but they didn't know where. The next person I saw looked a little creepy . . . . then I finally came across 2 women who actually had a better idea where it was. It was about 6 miles off from where my phone said it was. I finally - after 40ish minutes - found the Lodge office and asked if they knew where my group was or if they had the keys to the cabin I would be in. They said the keys had already been taken and they didn't know where the group was. I then found my way to the cabin I was going to be staying in (I only knew which one because I helped Andi organize who goes where). When I got there, there was no one around. I knew she had several of the surrounding cabins, but no one appeared to be in them.

There were some people walking around - but I only knew a couple of Andi's friends and family and I wasn't in the mood to approach every random stranger and ask them if they knew where everyone was. So I sat outside for about 30 minutes before I got so desperate that I thought to see if there was a way I could get into the cabin.

Finally something went right and the cabin had been left unlocked. I was able to get in and finally relax a little. Andi came back within an hour of me getting into the cabin and her friends all came over for a fun night. It was a nice ending to a crappy day. The cabin was BEAUTIFUL too.

The next morning I realized that I had done a crappy job packing. I had brought 2 left sneakers, I didn't bring a brush, and I didn't bring my top for the wedding ceremony. Good times. I helped setup the reception hall - which was a feat in itself. It was exhausting and nerve-wracking. However, the ceremony itself was absolutely gorgeous. That night I had several . . . obstacles in getting to sleep and I was exhausted. I ended up getting around 2 hours of sleep and waking up around 5am. I finally left close to 6 and don't remember much of the drive home. And I'm 90% sure I didn't get lost or pulled over on the way home. But I can't be sure . . . .

So someone needs to please explain the metaphor. Because I'm not getting it.

2010-09-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

Recently I discovered the song, "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice. It is a hauntingly beautiful song that I can listen to over and over. Well, I didn't really understand what the song was actually about - I knew the song had symbolism and several layers of meanings. I decided that the song was about the torment of moving on from a relationship and the inner struggle of guilt and not being able to let go. I had a fantastic idea to pull up the music video for the song, because generally an artist will have the music video show the audience the meaning behind the song. So, I did that.

And apparently the song is about a guy that has a chick's head floating like a balloon that sings to him.

That cleared that right up.

So - I'm confused.

2010-09-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

So the other day I had a close call while cooking dinner. This isn't very surprising, because, well let's face it - even making toast is like a near death experience when I'm involved.

Whenever I see smoke coming from whatever appliance I'm using (toaster, stove, vacuum, disposal, etc) I start thinking about what I would do if things really did catch on fire.

So I've discovered that I have a fire extinguisher right outside my front door. (I think someone in my family called the apartments and forewarned them before I moved in).

Here's the thing. The fire extinguisher is covered in GLASS. Who's bright idea was this? So someone is supposed to shatter the glass in the heat of the moment with their . . . . hand? head? small child? While in the process probably injuring themselves so badly they would be incapable of actually operating the fire extinguisher. You have to decide to either lose a thumb or save your home. It's like Sophie's Choice!

Knowing how I tend to injure myself while doing normal things like standing or sneezing, I probably wouldn't risk breaking through the glass with my hand. I'd probably try to crack it with rocks. I could just see myself now . . . standing 5 feet away from the fire extinguisher throwing pebbles at the case while the entire apartment complex goes up in flames around me.

Typical.

So this week is a week to be thankful. Even though it doesn't seem like it.

2010-09-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

This week I am thankful to my sister Jarica who (is it whom? I never know . . . ) shared her cold with me. Without which I would have not have remembered how nice it is to be able to breathe in and out completely, and would not have pondered how long a nose can run without running out of reserves.
This week I am thankful to Costco for providing me with Kleenex. Well, they didn't really provide it because I had to pay . . . more like I'm thankful they forced me to stock up on enough Kleenex to keep me prepared until I am 75, or through a bad cold - whichever comes first.
I'm thankful to vicodin for keeping me from scratching out my eyeballs when the WORST migraine ever hit Monday night . . . .right before I was getting ready to sleep.
I'm thankful that I do not have any roommates so I didn't have to apologize for loudly throwing up at 2am Wednesday night from what was apparently food poisoning. That's what I get for cooking for myself.
I'm thankful that on Thursday people at work don't automatically jump to the conclusion that I'm going through withdrawals when they see me alternating between shivering and sweating at work, while I continually ran fevers. (I'm told that withdrawals was at least 3rd on the list of possible explanations. Followed closely by The Plague.)
I'm NOT thankful for my Flinstones vitamins. Because I eat at least 15 of those things a day and I'm still sick. Rip-off.

So I should maybe pay attention more . . .

2010-09-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

So I caught 'The Patriot' on TV today. I wasn't really a fan of it in the past because the first (and only) other time I saw it, I thought the movie was pretty disturbing. Not because of the deaths and war violence, but because I thought Mel Gibson's character fell for his sister. Incest isn't cute in my book, people. However, I may not have been paying very close attention to the movie, but I just assumed it was his sister because all the kids called her 'aunt'. This time around I figured out it was his sister-in-law. That small detail changes everything.

It's kinda like how all growing up I thought the second verse of the song 'I am a Child of God' started as, "I am a Child of God, and so my knees are grey," which led to several daydreams during primary where I imagined why someone's knees would be grey. Were they dirty? Was it because she was wearing tights? Was she playing with markers? Hence, I was never able to remember the rest of that verse because I was too busy wondering why someone would color their knees grey. Several years later I figured out the song is actually, "I am a Child of God, and so my needs are great."

I wonder how many movies I need to re-watch to make sure I actually hate them.

So, I'm abnormal. And now the people at work know.

2010-08-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

Seriously it seems like embarrassing moments and a messed up body are like the themes of my life. And normally, those two will coincide with each other. Like yesterday.

So, at work I've been moved to Lead a brand spanking new team. It's a team of 16 individuals that do not know me at all, so we had a meeting scheduled yesterday where I would introduce myself. Well, I've already moved my desk so that I sit with them, so they are getting to know me by observing me, which is a little freaky. Especially lately.

I've been feeling more cruddy then normal and have some rogue infection which I have to take drugs for. Except for these drugs are a liquid that I have to hold in my mouth for about a minute. And I have to do it at work, because I have to take them like 72 (ok, 3) times a day. The thing with these drops are . . . they are what evil must taste like. And it burns. I feel like I'm holding nuclear waste in my mouth and then swallowing it. And I have a difficult time disguising my facial expressions, so when I take these drops, it is uber apparent to the world that I have nuclear waste in my mouth. It isn't pleasant.

Then, today right before I was getting ready to leave for the meeting, I got a bloody nose. Now, for a normal person this is just an inconvenience. (Ok, so I hate the word blood, and it sounds uber gross, so for this story I'm going to refer to the blood as Kool-Aid. Cool? Cool.) Except, my Kool-Aid noses aren't normal Kool-Aid noses. (Because apparently nothing about me is normal.) Mine are like I cut an artery. It is a LOT of Kool-Aid and fast and doesn't go away for a LONG time. So I had to run and tell the leader I support that I'll be late for the meeting, while I was stopping the Mt. Vesuvius that was my face. So I ran to the restroom and tried unsuccessfully to try and stop the Kool-Aid for 20 minutes. I decided I needed ice which meant I had to go to the nurse's office.

When I finally get to the nurses office (after passing at least 100 people that were rather alarmed by my Kool-Aid mess of a face - no wonder I don't get embarrassed easily) the nurse kept telling me to lean back and that'll stop the Kool-Aid. Yeah - that doesn't work for me. It basically forces all the Kool-Aid to go the other direction and I start choking. Yummy. When she finally saw how much Kool-Aid my nose was producing, she looked a little frightened and ran and got another nurse. That nurse came in, took one look and left to get someone else. (I'm not even kidding). That nurse then came in and sat in a chair and WATCHED me have a bloody nose. Honestly, that was all she did. And I'm pretty honest, especially with doctors, so I kept saying stuff like,

"I'll be okay. No, seriously, this is totally normal . . . . . All I needed was some ice. It's gonna be awhile, don't you have something else you'd like to do? . . . . . Well, this is awkward. . . . . Well, I'm gonna try to wash all this (kool-aid) off my face now, it's pretty gross, so you really don't need to watch. Unless, you know, I guess you want to watch. . . . . . . And apparently you do."

So I was basically performing a monologue while holding a dixie cup to my nose to catch all the Koo-Aid (because kleenex doesn't cut it, folks) and also trying to hold the world's largest ice pack to my nose. And then - when I finally got the grossness to stop, she wouldn't leave until she could inspect it herself. Seriously.

THEN - I went to the store later that day and I was wondering why this older woman that was an employee kept asking me if I was ok. I couldn't figure out why, because I was totally fine.

Then I got home and saw why. Apparently when I washed my face I forgot that I was wearing mascara (I rarely do) and because I haven't been feeling well, I've been sleeping worse than normal, which makes my eyes more bloodshot than normal. The result was someone that looked incredibly strung out/insane. Lovely.

So sleep is apparently necessary. Who knew?

2010-08-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

So I've been having some super exciting (note:sarcasm) events which have been causing me to completely lose my sanity lately. So far, none of my co-workers or friends have noticed a difference . . . . which apparently means I'm always this crazy. Anyway . . . so I've been going to lots of dr appts lately and getting tests and stuff (because it's what the cool kids do). And this week my Dr told me I needed to get a blood test at 10 am today and I can't have any drugs in my system when I take it cuz it can throw the results off, which are important, apparently. So for most people this isn't a big deal, but for me it kinda screws things up. I'm super unique and apparently need an elephant size tranquilizer before my body decides to even consider the idea of sleeping. Every night I have to convince my brain that sleep is necessary and if it doesn't give the heck up already I'll be in major pain the next day. Sometimes this tactic works. And then sometimes my brain just says, "Screw you, I'll do what I want. So WHAT if I want to watch a Lifetime movie marathon? You're not the boss of me!" (My brain can be very rude sometimes.)

If I don't take any drugs to help me sleep it will be 72 hours before my body surrenders. Trust me, I've tried it and it's not pretty. So I knew that I didn't really have a chance of falling asleep last night. But I still tried. I kept coming up with the most boring activities that have put me to sleep in the past. I pulled out a book I could never finish because it was SO. BORING. - - -I ended up finishing the book. So that failed. Then I decided to watch something REALLY boring so that I would fall asleep. So I pulled out my trusty Netflix online and went to Discovery Channel and clicked on "Shark Week" because, well, I've never had any desire to watch it before and so now I'm sure I will be put to sleep with the sweet sounds of . . . . sharks eating their prey. So the dang thing backfired (go figure) and it was like really interesting. Did you know that you can like put a shark to sleep by touching their nose? You should try it sometime. It seems easy enough.

ANYWAY, so I went to work today at 5 am - this after a night of no sleep. I went and got my blood test done, and had to stay at work until 4pm . . . . so basically an 11 hour shift with no sleep. Good times. And I thought I was hiding it pretty well until just now when I told a colleague that I thought Netti Pots were for flowering your pants. Yeah, that's not at all what I meant, but that's how my dreadfully tired brain translated it.

So, that's the end of my story. I'm sure tomorrow I won't even remember or understand this post.

P.S. Doesn't the shark pic above look oddly similiar to a chin face? You know what I'm talking about? When you hang upside down and draw a face like this:

Admit it. It's eerily similiar.

So I'm surrounded by idiots

2010-08-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

So last night I was at the airport picking up my parents at the airport. While I was waiting for my parents to land and get their luggage, I went to the "Cell Phone Lot". This is a very convenient parking area in the middle of nowhere that people can wait for their people to land. As I was sitting there contemplating my existence, (ok, so I was watching 'The Soup' on my phone) I noticed something ironic. There was an entire row of handicap parking spaces in the cell phone lot. There is nowhere for people to go - unless they want to walk around the runways . . . .but there is even a sign that says, "Do Not Leave Your Vehicle". So even if there was a handicap driver . . . why do you need a space? I can tell there was a lot of thought put into this parking lot.

So this week inhaled profusely

2010-07-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

This week has been the worst week work-wise that I have ever had. And that's saying something, considering I've had some CRAPPY experiences at work. Including (and I truly wish I was stretching the truth with all of these . . . but no. All true):

When I worked at Water World as a lifeguard and fell into the wave pool and took down the entire wood siding with me. Good times.
The time I worked at AMC 30 and was the only one that showed for the usher shift on New Years Eve for the entire theater. Which meant I had to clean all the bathrooms, all the throw-up in the aisles, all the spilled popcorn for all 30 theaters BY MYSELF.
The time I worked as a massage therapist at Lavenders and the hydrotherapy room flooded so we spent the day carrying out all the furniture of the entire spa and sweeping out the water without being paid (because no clients=no pay). Oh, and the electrical sockets were ON THE FLOOR so they were covered in water that we were wading in. Slightly dangerous.
The time I was a manager for Geppedos porcelain dolls and I spent an entire night by myself in the dark in a storage unit organizing impossible inventory whilst several rats ran around.
The one day I worked as a tele-marketer selling trash bags in some creepy hole-in-the-wall office in downtown Phoenix with 15 skeevy men that smoked the entire time, leaving me nauseous and wondering what life choices I made that led me to a job where I sold TRASH BAGS. (Wow, that is a long sentence.)

Yeah, this week tops all of those. It is THAT bad. I can't really go into details, because I kinda don't want to be fired, but take my word for it, it's pretty dang horrible. And after looking at this list I'm wondering . . . does everyone have such bad luck with jobs?

So this JUST HAPPENED.

2010-07-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

So I started bringing my lunch to work (I'm on Day 2, go ME!) because apparently I don't eat enough (go figure). But I generally eat one meal at the end of the day after work and that's it. This is apparently bad for you. So I've been bringing breakfast, (because I won't wake up early enough to eat it at home) 2 snacks, and a lunch to work. It feels like I'm bringing the entire contents of my fridge to work every day. It is SO MUCH FOOD. But I'm on Day 2 and I've thought it's been going pretty well. Until just now.
So I brought one of those Smart Ones pasta imitations to work today. I heated it up for like 7 minutes because I never look at the directions, and the tomato sauce was like lava. I brought up a spoonful of the pasta up to my mouth to blow on to hopefully cool it down to slightly less hot than lava temperature, and on the first blow I blew the SCREAMING HOT PASTA into my . . . chest. It completely bypassed my shirt and went INTO the most awkward spot you can get pasta stuck in and like buried itself so it was no longer visible. And did I mention that the pasta was hot? Because I'm pretty sure I have 2nd degree burns going on because I couldn't exactly go mining for ziti in front of my colleagues.

Lesson learned: Stop bringing food to work. It's dangerous.

So this is what I've learned this week.

2010-07-19T17:25:00.000-07:00

Moving is no fun. As in an evil, no good, hateful activity that does not get easier the more you do it. (Oh, did I not mention that I moved? For the 11th time in 7 years? Well, I did.)
Things that are broken before you move will be completely unusable by the time it reaches its destination. (cough, cough, like this side table)
Things that weren't broken before will break in the process of moving. Nothing a little hot glue can't fix, right?
If you leave your hot glue sticks in your car in Phoenix for 2+ days, they will become one large glue stick.
No amount of candles/febreeze will cover the stench of smoke from previous occupants.
It's a heck of a lot easier to live in a first floor apartment vs a third floor apartment.
Talking to people in call centers SUCKS. Especially when you work in one and can pinpoint what they've done that is against call center regulations.
There is a point that your brain will stop remembering yet another address, apt number, and mail box number. Which will make it a little difficult to to change your address with eleventyhundred different companies.
If you don't buy a router for your internet, you will be tethered to a wall whenever you want to use the internet, causing you to stand next to the tv to access it.
After purchasing a router, you should kidnap a smart person to set it up for you . . . .because setting up a router is hard.
Living .5 miles from work doesn't mean you'll get there earlier.
Navigating a 12 seater van at Sky Harbor airport at 6am is no fun.
Procrastination hits whole new levels when you procrastinate a surgery. (Yeah, I need surgery on my ear. And I've decided to pull it off until next year because I can't take that much time off from work right now.)

On a side note, if you or someone you know lives in the Thatcher/Safford area, you should check out my sister's preschool. She's enrolling kids right now and does a pretty awesome job. Check out her preschool blog here or email her @ chantel.allen@hotmail.com

So I went to the doctor. Again.

2010-06-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

So I went to the ENT surgeon yesterday. Good times. Seriously, I have never been more entertained by any other dr's waiting room before. First of all, it seemed to me like everyone was SCREAMING at each other. They were all talking SO loud and I was wondering for a second why that might be . . . . until I realized they were all there to see the ear doctor. . . . I'm not the quickest (and apparently not quite as deaf as some). Because they were all yelling things that people would normally whisper, I learned WAY too much about them. We bonded. Without them even realizing it. I now know them better than some of my cousins.

There was one older couple and the man was filling out the patient intake form. Well, apparently the old man forgot every single sickness he's ever experienced in his life. He kept asking (very loudly):

"MILLY, HAVE I HAD PNEUMONIA?!"

and she would always reply,

"Yes, Frank."

"MILLY, HAVE I HAD VD?!"

"Yes, Frank."

Then there was a younger couple with a 3 year old son. How did I know he was 3? Why, because they announced it to the waiting room. The little boy was playing and everything he said was just so incredibly adorable that the mother found it necessary to repeat what he said (by yelling) and then adding inappropriate commentary. And, for some odd reason the young couple were sitting like 15 feet away from each other. There were enough chairs, but I guess the husband was tired of being yelled at from 6 inches away. The 3 year old kept telling everyone that it was his birthday. So the wife would look at her husband and go,

" IT'S MY BIRFDAY! HOW CUUUTE. WHAT TIME IS IT?? 2:05??!! OK, SO 3 YEARS AGO THIS TIME I WAS AT WHAT? 3 CENTIMETERS? OR WAS HE CROWNING? I THINK HE WAS CROWNING."

and then the little boy would say it was his birthday again and the woman would scream,

"THAT'S RIGHT! IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY! 3 YEARS AGO YOU WERE CLIMBING OUT OF MOMMY'S STOMACH!"

and then the little boy's eyes just widened and you could see the confusion on his face. I started to feel bad for the little boy because how hard would it be if your mom yelled at you even when she was happy? How confusing would that be? Oh, geez.

Anyway, so my doctor was . . . interesting. He actually had on one of those head mirror thingy's (see pic above) that normally only doctor's in like 1820 would wear. It looked like a costume. I didn't know if I should give him candy or ask for a prescription. Anyway, I get to have surgery. Woohoo.

***Sidenote - ok, so I had to find a pic of a doctor with a head mirror so you'd know what I was talking about and I found the one above. But .. . . .isn't that picture completely random? Why is Dopey going to the dr? And who amputated some lady's legs and then hung them on the wall? SO.MANY.QUESTIONS.

So I made a wedding cake

2010-06-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

My cousin Aleina got married last Friday. I made the wedding cake. It was the first time I made a cake that was going to be seen by more than my immediate family so I was kinda freaking out. And I really didn't want to screw it up and let down Aleina so I kinda stressed out a lot. It was definitely a lesson in learning how to deal with change because the cake stand changed several times within 2 days of the wedding which changes the dimensions of the cake. I ended up having to bake the cake at the church the night before the wedding, then bringing it to my parents house around midnight to finish. I added fondant there and then finished the cupcakes. I finished around 2 am and then had to go to WalMart and pick up some stuff I needed for the next day. I got home close to 4 am and got about an hour's sleep. Then headed off to the temple to take pictures. Normally I look absolutely RAVISHING in pictures, but I'm thinking I kinda destroyed all the pictures I was in because my exhaustion was taking over. Good times. Oh well.

So this isn't a REAL post. It's a fake one.

2010-06-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

So I was driving home from work and a commercial came on the radio. It was one of those commercials that is like a scripted conversation between a clueless doormat friend that will apparently buy anything and another friend that is strangely knowledgeable about whatever product they're selling. So of course the commercial was totally captivating - it was about Southwestern College - and the strangely knowledgeable friend kept asking the doormat friend stupid questions like,

"What would you say if I told you they are located on your way home from work?"

and then the doormat friend something very doormat-y like,

"Well, I would devote my life to you, and spend thousands of dollars at this overpriced college!"

and then the strangely knowledgeable friend said,

"What would you say if I told you that Southwestern is an intentionally Christian college?"

So I don't know what the doormat friend responded with because I got ADD and changed the station, but then I started thinking about that question. First of all, how completely RANDOM is that question? And, is there really colleges that are unintentionally Christian? And how do we know it was unintentional? Did someone call the President of the college and say, "Um, I don't know if you realized this, but your college is a Christian college." and the President replied, "Yeah . . . that was unintentional." Because that means people have too much time on their hands.

By the way - this week sucks. It's getting to the point I can't laugh anymore about how many things have gone wrong this week. When I watch the movie of my life in heaven and we get to this week I'm totally gonna be like - "No seriously, we need to fast forward this part. It's too painful to watch. Why don't we rewind to the part where I fell off a horse and was almost trampled? Or when I had surgery and they forgot to give me pain killers? That would be more pleasant."

So Japan just made my day

2010-06-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

BEST. CONTEST. EVER.
So I happened upon this article. Don't ask me how. I'm not quite sure.

Basically a bunch of sumo wrestlers get together and hold babies and whoever's baby cries first wins. I'm not making this up. But now I have a reason to go to Japan.
Sidenote: Anyone wanna lend me your baby for a field trip? I'll take real good care of it and bring back lots of pictures. There is, however, a very *small* chance they will need extensive therapy later in life and be terrified of large men wearing diapers. But that's normal . . . right?

So I made something

2010-06-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

My cousin Katy got me into crocheting awhile ago. I made a little baby boy blanket and when I was done I was so excited, but it was so small. I was sure the baby would outgrow it by the time they got home from the hospital. So I decided I would make the next one bigger. And it is ridiculous. I can't do anything normal.

So, yes, that sound you hear IS hell freezing over

2010-06-02T20:02:00.001-07:00

I went and saw an ENT today. I've had so much anxiety about this appointment. Mostly because I have learned from my vast experience with health professionals that they don't always know best. In fact, it feels like half the time they are guessing. I guess I can't blame them, because apparently I am a freak of nature. I can't tell you how many times I've been told by doctors that whatever illness or condition I'm seeing them for they've NEVER seen before. And if they have seen it before, it was on small children, or on certain types of foliage. In fact, I don't think I've ever gotten a diagnosis until after the Dr has excused themselves from the room. They would normally make excuses like they had to pull my chart, or check the contraindications of whatever drug they were thinking of prescribing me, but I'm pretty sure they actually went to google my symptoms.

So, you know how my ears bleed? Well, the nurse at work guessed that it was a hemangioma. In. My. Ear. And you know who normally gets hemangiomas? Infants. Seriously. The nurse said she's never seen one on an adult and never in the ear. And the two nurses she brought in to stare horrified at my ear concurred. She said she thinks the ENT would use forceps to pull it off and then cauterize my ear. Aren't forceps what you use to deliver a baby with?? I didn't know they were multi-functional. And who's great idea is it to burn an open wound? Why does that sound like a good plan??

Well, the ENT said it is not a hemangioma. He said it was an abnormal skin growth (appetizing, eh?) and I have to have surgery. And I have to have surgery on both ears because of all the chronic problems I've always had. So I guess surgery is better than getting burned in an open wound, right?? Maybe?

So the bad news is (aside from the surgery and abnormal skin growth junk) is that I don't get to see the surgeon for two weeks. And this little ear thing keeps bleeding ALL. THE. TIME. which isn't fun ever, but it's really not fun at night because either the blood gets all over me and the sheets or it bleeds and drains into my ear. Which isn't pleasant. So I don't sleep much and am kinda in pain all the time.

Well, you know what they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you wish it did.

So this is why I shouldn't make cakes.

2010-05-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I make cakes. Not well, but I make them. (See HERE and HERE)It all started when I took a cake making class with Katy. Then I decided I wanted to make my nieces cake for her birthday which meant I had to learn to use fondant. The class didn't teach fondant, so I figured it out on myself. So here's the thing, I don't like cake. Like, at all. It holds no appeal for me. So in order for cake to be edible in my eyes is to drastically change a key element in the cake. And I can't change the actual cake part because it wouldn't be a . . . . cake. So I change the filling. And the really GREAT thing about the whole me-make-cakes idea is I get to decide what's in the cake. And the really SCARY aspect of the whole me-make-cakes idea is . . . I get to decide what's in the cake.

Some fillings I've done in the past are:

- a mixture of cream cheese and chocolate pudding with crumbled oreos on top

- chocolate pudding with gummy bears and worms mixed in (this one was for my nieces cake. I thought it would be fun - it kinda just confused the kids. They were like mid chew and then they were like, "What the? What IS this? candy? I thought I was eating cake . . .. " and then we had to explain they were eating both. Then they looked at us like we were crazy. And I realized they were right.

So I'm making a cake this Saturday for my niece's birthday and I'm debating what I should fill it with this time. My favorite dessert is No-bake cookies and I've seriously considered putting the mixture of no bakes as the filler. YUM. But then it would take so much time to explain to the kids that they are eating a cake and a cookie. Some things just aren't worth it.

P.S. - If this cake looks decent, I'll post pics this weekend. Don't get too excited because it doesn't look like a big possibility right now.

So my nieces and nephews came to visit

2010-05-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

Not the greatest pic, because it's from my phone,

but notice the heart shaped ring he insisted on wearing.

My nephew Ridge is ALL boy. He loves dirt, trucks, balls, etc. But when I paint my niece Cambree's nails, he gets a little envious. He begged to get his nails painted, and when I said yes he got SO excited. I had a wide variety of colors for him to choose from (because Cambree likes a different color for every nail) but he chose black. I asked him why he chose black, and he said "It's pitty (pretty)." It cracks me up. He is so proud of his little black nails.

So . . . I did it again. No, seriously.

2010-05-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

(click on pic to enlarge)

Some days I feel like I haven't learned anything since I was 7. Today is one of those days. I have a night-stand next to my bed that is . . . special. I got a really good price on it and thought that I had beat the system and got a quality piece of furniture for uber cheap. Yeah, not so much. As I originally started putting it together back in December most of the pieces didn't stay intact for longer than 3 minutes. I finally got it to resemble a night stand with several threats, moments of silence, and a lot of glue.

Well tonight it suddenly self-destructed and no amount of kicking it back into place worked. I decided the best way to fix it was with hot glue.

I like hot glue because:

1. It works really quick.

2. It makes me feel super crafty.

I now HATE hot glue because:

1. It works REALLY quick. Like too quick. Like so quick that you don't realize you hot glued your CURTAINS TO YOUR NIGHT-STAND before it's too late.

2. It makes me feel super crafty - as in I have delusions of grandeur and believe I can do things that normal crafty people can do.

My curtain and night-stand are now a package deal. Lovely.

So can I switch my karma with yours? Mine sucks. I mean, it's fantastic - wonderful - you will never find better karma. Now, can I please have yours?

2010-05-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

So I work, because I have yet to find someone willing to pay me to stay home. And at work I've been working on (among many other things) a Pilot program. In order to get this off and running, I have to have a meeting with these two women at work. These women are the equivalent of my boss's boss. They are in upper management and uber busy and have assistants and all that jazz. Well, it took me 4 weeks to schedule a meeting where they are both free at the same time, and even finding that was pure luck. (This is going somewhere, I promise you . . . .) So that meeting was scheduled for today at 10am. I had everything prepared and was walking into the conference room at 9:59 when, of course, the fire alarm goes off.

. . . . . Karma

So this is how you'll know you're at a family gathering. Well, at least one of my family's gatherings.

2010-04-15T11:40:00.001-07:00

You know you're at Chelsie's Family Gathering if:

1. Before entering the Gathering, interceptions will be made as someone has to explain the special . . . um . . . nuances . . . of certain family members.
2. Referrals to psychologists will be distributed for the inevitable fall out from said Gathering and aforementioned nuances.
3. Narcotics will be offered to anyone with the slightest itch of the nose or broken nail.
4. Psychological warfare will be abundant. Tears will be shed. People will cry for their mommy's. And this is just among the adults.
5. If you are under the age of 74 you will sit at the "Kids Table" until you have acquired a spouse.
6. You will then traumatize the kids at the Kids Table out of sheer boredom.
7.If have yet to acquire a spouse you will be gently and not so gently reminded of this approximately 9.4 times before the end of the Gathering. This will start at the age of 12.
8. You will be asked where you work 6 times. By the same well meaning relative. You will change your answer 4 times because you're not as well meaning.
9. If you are under the age of 30, it will be assumed you are in college. If you are not, you will be asked why. Your answer will not be good enough (even if it is "I graduated 3 years ago") and you then will be given a lecture. You will then learn why lying to family is a necessary evil.
10. When someone aims a camera at you this means you must duck for cover, leap behind large pieces of furniture and knock small children out of the way. You will then wonder why there are no photographic evidence that you attended any gathering since infancy - and why all the children start developing twitches by the end of the night.
11. You will receive at least 2 lectures throughout the gathering. It will happen, so any denial of this fact is futile. The best course of action is to encourage it and get it done with as quick as possible so you can 'enjoy' the rest of your evening. To do so, here are some great conversation starters that ensure you will be receiving a lecture within 4.6 seconds:

"Guess what? I just got a new Credit Card! Time to go SHOPPING!"
"I like to leave my AC on at 65 degrees. It feels better that way. And I'm sure it is very economical this time of year."
"I think this Health Care reform thing is a good idea."
"I don't think identity theft is that big a problem. That's why I carry my social security card AND 4 copies of my Drivers Licence with me everywhere I go. And did I mention that I leave them unattended in the airport from time to time?"

So my ears hit their expiration date. Apparently.

2010-04-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

So I have issues with my ears. You can read about these issues here . We've never really gotten along, my ears and I. They always threaten to put me in agonizing pain and I always threaten that if they do I'm gonna make like Van Gogh and cut them off. Well, at least one of us always follows through with those threats.

Yesterday my ears started bleeding. Not like a little, but a good amount. That was fun to discover while at work. I kept trying to play it cool whilst I stuffed Kleenexes into my ears. I thought it would go away, but all night long they would spontaneously start bleeding. It was like a fire cracker show . . . just as soon as you think it's over, the true finale starts and things are exploding all over again. I figured my ears were throwing themselves their own going away party and wanted to go out with a bang. I accepted that. I went through the stages of grief and came to terms with it. I was ready to move on. Except that now the 'party' is still in full swing 24 hours later and I'm getting a little annoyed. Conveniently I have an appointment with an ENT (Ear Nose Throat) Dr next week. I was supposed to see and ENT when I was like 7. I'm going next week. That's procrastination at it's best, folks. But I'm a little worried because I'm pretty sure by the time I go to see him he's gonna say there's nothing that can be done. If my ears were a car, it'd be totalled at this point.

So has this ever happened to you? . . . . No, just me? Lovely.

2010-03-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

Quite often I have more than one internet window up on my computer at any given time. In fact I normally have eleventyhundred windows up. I attribute this to my yet-to-be-diagnosed ADD. I'll be reading a blog, then open another window and read another, then remember I need to check my bank balance, etc.
Well, I always have my computer on silent unless I want to listen to something or am watching a show or something. So inevitably, I'll decide to watch a show or whatever and turn my volume on and suddenly eleventyhundred songs/commercials/screaming people burst from my computer. It seems that everyone these days play songs on their blog, and then there are the random commercials that play on a loop, and then some weird funky noises coming from ads trying to get you to click on them. I then will have a panic attack trying to stop the noise. I'll click on each window trying to decide if this one is one of the noise offenders. It's like a diffusing a bomb . . . . . hmmm that wire didn't work? Lets cut THIS one!
On a side note, someone lovingly pointed out that I say 'so' a lot. He asked if I was aware that I have so far started each blog title with 'So'. Well, I am aware. It's on purpose. I call it a theme. You can call it a quirk or as some like to call it, another unexplained characteristic.

So I fell. At work. Go me.

2010-03-16T12:03:00.001-07:00

Anyone that knows me even a little bit (this should be you, otherwise why are you reading this?? I'm not that interesting . . . ) knows that I'm not the most graceful person. I wasn't nominated for "Most Likely to Become a Ballerina or Something Else Requiring Coordination" in High School. (To be completely honest, I don't know if that was even an award, but, well, it should be.)

I fall a lot. A LOT. I've had 3 concussions in my life. That is more than most pro wrestlers. 1 of those concussions was from walking. WALKING. There wasn't anything in my path, my shoes weren't untied, there wasn't even a stinking BANANA PEEL. I was a sophomore in high school. I had just gotten lunch (along with half the school) and was walking on the concrete, downhill, in the middle of literally HUNDREDS of my peers, and went down. And being the wise little sophomore that I was, I decided to protect my lunch instead of head. My head hit first. It took the entire impact. Then what seemed like the entire school proceeded to swarm up to me, all the while assuring me that NO ONE saw so I shouldn't be embarrassed. I couldn't tell you who was talking to me though, because so much blood was running down my face and I could barely make out the floor I was lying on. I don't remember too much of what happened next. I was told that I attempted to stand up and kept passing out (I would so love video of that scene. Hundreds of high schoolers circling some girl that keeps standing up and collapsing. "Oops she did it again" could have been the background music. I crack myself up) . I do remember making it into one of the bathrooms and the next thing I remember I was UNDER the sink. So I probably passed out again because I am an over achiever and apparently think that if you're gonna pass out once, you might as well do it a hundred times in the most disgusting place possible. Someone went and got the security guard (why the security guard? Really? How did that decision making process go? "Hmmm . . . someone is hurt. We need someone with a gun. . . .the SECURITY GUARD!") The security guard came into the bathroom and just stared at me while I was under the sink pretending like I do this all the time. I left the bathroom with the security guard ( I don't remember if it was a guy or a girl. I was a little paying attention to staying conscious idea) and as we were leaving two girls were about to enter the bathroom. They looked at me and their eyes widened as they took in my bloodied state. The look they gave each other was priceless. If I would have been functioning like I normally am, I probably would've spouted off a stupid comment like, "Yeah, the toilet started talking back. I had to show him who's boss."
Instead I climbed into the security guards golf cart and was taken to the nurses office. And of course the security guard thought it would be a good plan to take a tour of the school on the way to the nurses office. I'm pretty sure I passed every single student on the way. I won't go into the whole nurse/emergency room/trauma because that part wasn't very entertaining but what I will say is that I was definitely forced to go to school the next day. Good times. And I had to participate in a Oral Mid Term for my Spanish class that day. I tried explaining to the teacher that the Dr said that memory loss was common with concussions but she showed no mercy. Good times.

So, that wasn't even the story I was supposed to tell . . . . anyways. So - I fell at work. That's all of the story you're gonna get though because now I'm tired of reliving my falls.

Speaking of tired, this morning I was SO incredibly tired I literally (and I mean literally) forgot the lyrics to "Happy Birthday". I was supposed to call and sing my Uncle Billy Happy Birthday (he has Downs Syndrome so birthdays are still a big deal for him.) I was going to do it on my drive to work this morning but I got very little sleep last night and realized just how out of it I was when I sat there trying to remember the words to Happy Birthday. I started humming it to myself hoping it will come back to me. It finally did - but I kept thinking I forgot the second verse or something, but no - the song is really that short. And because I had to dwell on the lyrics for such a long time, I now realize that "Happy Birthday" is a super repetetive song. And kinda lame. And short. I mean, we only get it sung to us once a year, so you would think it would be an exciting song. Something to look forward to. I bet the first person to ever get this song sung to them on their birthday was all excited and then after the song they were like: "Really? That's the best you got? On my BIRTHDAY? Wow, I'm sure that took you at least . . . 15 seconds to come up with. Thanks. I feel real special now."

So have you ever procrastinated running away from an axe murderer because you were too tired??? Yeah, me too.

2010-03-05T11:04:00.001-08:00

Life has been busy. Well, more like work has been busy. I'm taking on a lot of roles, and have a lot of projects. So I've been working overtime and last week I worked 7 days a week. Yes, I worked on Sunday because I'm a sinner. But I really needed to get a project ready for Monday morning. Well, I left Sunday knowing things weren't ready so I'd have to come in early on Monday because the project needed to be ready before people started coming in at 6 AM. Early as in 5 AM early. As in please-kill-me-now early. And I don't sleep well, like, ever. So 2:30 AM rolled around and I gave up trying to sleep. It seemed kinda pointless at that point. By the way - life is super boring at 2:30 AM. No one is awake to talk to and anything I would normally do when I get free time doesn't work at 2:30. Like shop, or go to the bank. People should keep their establishments open just in case an insomniac decides they need to wash their car at 2:30 AM. It would be real helpful.
Anyway, I got to work at 4:30 AM and encountered a gate to the parking lot I didn't know existed preventing access to my work. Apparently American Express is paranoid that some freak would possibly come into work too early. But I outsmarted them, like the creepy overzealous employee I am. I found another entrance in. When I walked into the front lobby of work the security guard eyed me with a combination of fear, curiousity, and confusion. I spent the whole day running around and trying not to fall over. By the end of the day I was having trouble putting complete sentences together and found people's faces amusing. I've come to recognize this is my body's way of telling me that it is about to self destruct if I don't go to sleep, like, NOW. So I went home and layed in bed trying to sleep. Not long after I heard a sound like glass breaking and then a thud. I froze - listening.There was then a loud crashing noises, as if people were moving furniture and then kicking it. I decided the only logical conclusion for these noises was that an axe murderer was breaking into my house and about to kill me. I took a moment to contemplate if I should run and hide. My mind said I should run - in fact my mind was screaming it - but my body disagreed. I believe my body's exact words were, "Yeah. Good luck with that."
So my body won. I fell asleep shortly after that. And obviously I didn't die, because you are reading this. I never did find out what the noise came from though. It could have been the neighbors. It could have been people in the parking lot. It could have been my sister coming home and watching a show. OR, the most believable option is that it really was an axe murderer and he/she (I'm not sexist, it could have been a girl. I'm all about female empowerment) got to my bedroom, saw me laying on the bed and decided this was the worst game of hide and seek they've ever played. They are probably used to being able to chase their victim, or at least find them under the bed. It's no fun when your victim is in plain sight and apparently doesn't give a crap if you start killing them. So they probably moved on to my neighbor. Yeah, that's definitely that most believable option.

So allow me to introduce you to my little friend . . .

2010-02-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

This is my new phone. It is the LG EnV Touch. It is pretty. It is shiny. It completes me. I don't know how I lived without it.

You wanna know my favorite feature? The GPS navigation. I got this phone 2 days before my journey to Utah and then onward to Idaho. I get lost going to places that I have been 20 times before. I get lost in Walmart. So having GPS navigation on a 17 hour (one way) drive in a storm might be a good idea. So I bonded with this GPS Navigation. I named her Dolores, because:

A.) I feel better talking back to the GPS when it has a name and

B.) Because I think she sounds like a very polite older woman

Dolores and I pretty much got along, and because I know nothing I trusted her when she told me where to go. Until I got to my hotel in Provo. Then she had me circling my hotel. I literally kept going around in circles around the same square mile because she didn't tell me when to turn in. And I could see the hotel from the road. So I started arguing back and explaining to Dolores that if I turned, I would be at the hotel. She didn't care for that so when I did turn in, she very calmly stated,

"Make the next legal U-tun."

That was her very passive aggressive way of saying,

"What the hell?!"

I did find out one small little quirk of Dolores. She is a little too polite and won't interrupt. So, when I'm on the phone and I should be turning, she doesn't but in. She just lets me jabber on about ice and the ice on the roads and my impending death because of the ice on the roads. She didn't even think to clear her throat and say,

" You know Chelsie, sorry to interupt and everything, but if you don't exit onto the 202 highway right now then you are going to be stuck on your current highway for approximately 300 miles. Which, you know, means you are going to be going WAY off track. Just sayin'."

Nope. She just stays quiet and allows me to make stupid mistakes without making any noise. We got into a heated discussion after I finished my phone conversation and realized what she had done. She didn't understand my rationale that I would prefer her to interrupt and give me a heads up than to let me waste more time and gas. We stopped speaking for awhile. Which was difficult for me because I had no idea where to go. It made for a very awkward car ride.

So . . . . remember how I said I can't do anything normal??

2010-02-02T12:12:00.000-08:00

My brother got married. But more about that later because I don't have the time or patience to load the pics right now.
No, the important thing that I need to post is about how I screwed up myself . . . . AGAIN. The whole thing started because my shoulder has been killing me lately (when is it not?) and no one can put enough pressure on my knot to help it at all. So on Sunday I got a little bit desperate and decided to take matters into my own hands . . . . or cleaning tools more specifically. I decided if I push my shoulder against something just right then that should do the job. I won't tell you everything I tried, but I did try a door frame . . . . that was awkward and ineffective. So then I came up with a STELLAR idea . . . . I'd use a mop! Not a dirty one, I had a new one. So I pushed the mop end against the ceiling and put the other end on my shoulder and stood on my tiptoes to apply pressure. It was not easy, but I'm sure it would make for an interesting visual. So, it didn't really work. It hurt, but not in the good, getting-out-a-knot hurt. More like a there-is-a-mop-sticking-out-of-my-shoulder kind of hurt. So I stopped, defeated. Well, the problem is, yesterday I woke up and my arm was kind of numb/in pain. (It is possible to be numb and in pain. And it sucks.) And it still hurts today. Here's the issue. So, a bundle of your nerves run through your shoulder and down your arm. I'm pretty sure I damaged those nerves. Either that, or they are really pissed and want to make sure I know it. And now I can't write because it hurts too much. Lovely.

Moral of the story - don't try to work your own knots with a mop. It doesn't work too well. You'll thank me later.

So I can't do anything normal . . .. .

2009-12-31T11:08:00.000-08:00

I moved. It's pretty exciting. We did it the day after Christmas which kinda killed Christmas for me. I live on the 3rd floor which made moving furniture a super awesome experience. So last night I was blow drying my hair at around 8:30 and apparently blew a fuse. So it was pitch black because I have black out curtains and have no flashlight. I also had no clue where the fuse box was. So, guided by the light of my cell phone, I searched EVERYWHERE trying to find this stinkin fuse box. The most annoying part was that I had finally put everything away - everything was organized and pretty and I had to tear stuff out to try and search the walls. The only thing that I could see that could be considered a fuse box was this metal thing that said "GE Connection Center" on it. The problem was that is was screwed shut and was close to the ceiling in my closet. So, of course, I don't have a ladder or a screw driver, or a flashlight, so I ended up balancing on two chairs holding the cell phone for light and using a butter knife to try and unscrew the metal compartment thing. So, yeah, that didn't work. I ended up having to get my Dad to drive out to help. Within ten minutes he found the fuse box. It was behind the door of my room! I had kept the door open and if I had just shut it I would have seen it. I am such a winner.

So Katy got married!!

2009-11-25T16:34:00.000-08:00

Katy got married in Los Angeles. It was a beautiful wedding and she looked gorgeous! Here's some of the fun times we had: (Click on the pics to get a closer look)

So life has been busy . . . .

2009-11-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

**Totally stole the cake pics from my sister's blog. My pictures sucked real bad.**

So work has kinda taken over my life lately but it's ok because I just got promoted. So, yea! But I haven't had time to blog so I'll kind of catch up.

There are a few things that stick out from the last couple of weeks.
My nephew, Ridge, had his second birthday and I made a tractor cake for him. It was by far the easiest cake I've made and Ridge really really loved it. While I was making it he kept just sitting at the table saying, "Look! TRACTOR!!" to everyone he saw. So cute.

So, I also made a new hobby (apparently) of publicly humiliating my supervisor. It's kind of a lot of fun. Our team at work has certain stats that we have to hit, and we made a deal that if our team exceeded a certain number that he has to wear a shirt that I make. The front says "I (heart) Ken Chenault" who is the CEO of American Express, and the back says "Premium Servicing is my life". Premium Servicing is the name of our department. The letters are lined with glitter - which makes it super fun because we'll be finding glitter ten years from now.

So traffic school sucks and other amazing revelations

2009-09-14T16:27:00.000-07:00

So I got a ticket. Big surprise, I know. And things have changed since I got a ticket last. You can do it online now!! I was super excited until I saw the million requirements when you do it online. You have to fax your citation with random signed paperwork, a blood sample, and pictures with yourself and the officer that gave you the ticket. THEN you have to have a notary WATCH YOU TAKE THE FINAL TEST. Then they have to sign forms saying they watched you do it. I would *almost* rather sit in a stuffy room all day with random strangers and watch car accidents on video. There is, however, a bright spot in all this. They sent a list of approved traffic schools online and the names of some of them are awesome:

toolazyfortrafficschool.com

onenotguilty.com

comedytrafficschool.com

gottaticket.com

happytrafficschool.com

wheelhavefunonline.com

laughandlearnonline.com

*I may have exaggerated some of the requirements . . . . but the notary thing is totally true. How ridiculous is that? On a related note . .. . . any notary's out there that don't mind traveling to my house and sit in my room as I take the test? I'll bake you some snazzy cookies . . . .

So I just found these pics and had to share . . . .

2009-09-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago my cousin Katy and I made truffles. Well, to be honest, Katy made them and I pretended to be helpful. I gave Ridge and Cambree some truffles to try. Cambree ate it very carefully and wanted to wash her hands as soon as she was done. But Ridge ate it s-l-o-w-l-y and made a HUGE mess. But he enjoyed it and was cute while doing it, so I forgave him.

2009-09-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm writing this on my lunch break because you know what I'm NOT doing? Eating this. I cooked it and holy moly. I was ridiculously hungry, and the box makes it look ok - and I love real chicken parmesan but it has approximately 32,000 calories, so I thought this would do. Yeah, the chicken was literally a greenish brown. Green is not flattering or appetizing on chicken - strike that - ANY meat. I forced myself to eat a bite though because this was all I had and I may die from hunger by the end of the day. (It could happen.) The chicken had not only the consistency but also the taste of rubber. Blahk!!! And the sauce I'm pretty sure is straight tomato paste. I would actually rather eat a pb&j sandwich than eat this - and that is really saying something. Any0ne know good Lean Cuisines/Smart Ones?

P.S. I'm dying of hunger here.

So, my new niece is super cute

2009-08-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

My family and I went to Thatcher for Brecklynn's blessing. She is SO adorable. Here's some pics:

So, Flagstaff

2009-08-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

Flagstaff was an incredibly stressful time. My sister Kayla asked that I would help with the YMCA event. She's the director over the YMCA and needed someone that knew something about cakes. I don't know if I'm really qualified for that, but I knew that she needed help, so I agreed. I spent HOURS planning the best techniques to teach that are simple and fun for kids of all ages. I made little Cake Tip books for all the kids and made tons of cakes and frosting. It was kinda ridiculous how much I stressed over it. So, when I got up to Flagstaff I spent more time with Kayla organizing the frosting tips, dying the frosting the right color, and running around. When the event finally started the kids ended up just running to the tables and squeezing the frosting all over the place - they didn't care what tip they had, what color, anything. Some were even 'decorating' the cake tips books I made. I should've figured that kids would've been happy with anything in sugar form and just ran with it.

Kayla made cakes and frosting too - and when she made the frosting we both found out why it is important to use clear vanilla extract. Hers looked like mashed potatoes, or lard, or something that is not frosting. It all ended well though - the kids had fun, there were a ton of people and their cakes turned out cute. And I will never make a cake again.

So, let's play catch up -- - San Diego

2009-08-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

So San Diego was great. Before we left I thought it would be a fabulous idea to bring my laptop and watch movies and shows while we drove. Well, my laptop isn't very loud on its own so we were both straining to hear so I hooked the audio up to the car and it was loud - but for whatever reason their was this really loud, really annoying, hum that accompanied it. And we still used it. That was super fun. I got a screaming deal on a hotel - which was virtually impossible because the weekend we were there was comic con weekend and everything was sold out - not to mention hiking the prices due to demand. It was amazing - we basically paid $50 bucks a night for a room in the Hampton Inn. It was a brand new hotel and the rooms were HUGE. We couldn't get over it, and then we saw that our room was handicap accessible, which was pretty convenient because there was a phone next to the toilet - (which really made me feel more secure, you know), and handy bars in the shower. I think from now on I'm going to request a handicap accessible room.

The San Diego Temple is gorgeous! So beautiful, and the weather in San Diego just made it feel even more like paradise. Erica and her husband looked so great - I loved their colors, and their shoes were so cute. Is it bad that I took more pictures of their feet than their faces?

So my luck sucks lately

2009-08-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

I've been MIA online because my computer died. My lovely Mac that I would brag about because I've never had any problems with it just totally quit. I cried. I went into mourning. And then I sent it to get fixed. And the hard drive is apparently the thing that died, and I don't know much about computers but your hard drive is apparently like an important part. Oh, and by the way, you lose like EVERYTHING on your computer when that dies. All my pics, all my music, everything. So I cried some more. And you don't realize just how much you use your computer until it is gone. I don't know what to do - it's driving me insane. It's been gone a week and I don't get it back for another week. And of course, that isn't the only thing that went wrong, but I can't go into THAT because I really don't want lectures. Let's just say I'm stupid and life suddenly got REALLY expensive. So, life in Chelsie world in general suckasuckasuckasucks. But I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about it. It's not going too well. Once I have my ~~life~~ - I mean my computer - back I'll be able to show pics of San Diego and Flag. Super fabulous.

So my sister had a baby

2009-07-22T09:45:00.001-07:00

Yay for babies! My sister had a little girl yesterday morning. They named her Brecklynn. She was 7 lbs 9 ounces and 19 inches. They are both good. This Friday I am going to San Diego with my other sister Kayla. She has a friend Erica Burgen (sp?) getting married in the San Diego temple. I come back on Sunday and then I'm going to Thatcher on Monday to see the new baby. Fun stuff!! So I should have tons of pics next week. Well, if I survive driving 20+ hours in 3 days.

So I'm pretty sure I'm dying

2009-07-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

***** UPDATE*****

So I was just at WalMart and my total came to $6.66. If that isn't a sign I'm going to die, I don't know what is . .. . . . I can't make this crap up.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have always had ear infections since . . . . the beginning of time I'm pretty sure. And I normally wait until my ears swell shut before I will go to the dr because ear infections are a pretty expensive hobby to have when you go to the dr every time. So I am all about DIY fixes. So lately I've had ear infections, because, you know, it's the thing to do, and I've been treating it with hydrogen peroxide. I don't just pour the bottle in my ear, I soak a q-tip with it and put it in my ear. Well, hydrogen peroxide bubbles whenever it hits infection and I would go through 4-6 q-tips before they would stop bubbling in my ear. Well, it seems to be working, because my ears stopped bleeding, but now my throat is kinda killer and I'm super nauseous and dizzy so I'm pretty sure I'm dying of hydrogen peroxide poisening. Who knew that like everything is connected? What the crap? Ick. So maybe I should give up and go to the dr except that my dr has seen me trying to do other DIY treatments for all my other problems and tells me that normally I make it worse and I'm pretty sure she's not gonna appreciate having to treat me for hydrogen peroxide poisening. Especially because I'm probably the first one to get it and there isn't a cure yet. And if a Dr is mad at you I'm pretty sure they'll make you get random painful tests just for the heck of it - kinda like how if you are mean to a waitress they'll sneeze in your food? Who knows how many procedures a dr could come up with? And I cry when I get my blood pressure taken (it squeezes REALLY hard ok?!!?) so I don't think I'll last long, so if I don't die from the poisening I'll die from having so many tests. So I tend to avoid letting people who know what they're doing see how badly I've damaged random parts of me. It's like chopping your own hair off and then going to a professional and have them make it look good again. Really stupid ide- wait, I've done that too. Did you know when you are thinning your own hair with thinning scissors you should NOT start cutting at the scalp? It makes for some pretty spiky layers. Who knew, right? (Well, probably the professionals knew that, but they should like have a learners manual that comes with the thinning scissors. They can't expect the general public to just understand what not to do.) They put like warnings on microwave dinners that say obvious stuff like, btw, the product will be hot after you're done cooking it, but they don't think to put a warning on the scissors that says, hey, you know, maybe you shouldn't thin your own hair, maybe you should pay the $10 and go to supercuts. So, I may die today of hydrogen peroxide poisening because going to the dr would be embarrassing and expensive and painful and because I'll be the first one to die from it they'll have to name it after me, you know, like Lou Gehrig's disease. So people in the future can say they died from Chelsie poisening, which is pretty awesome. At least I'll leave a legacy . . . . .

So, the Fourth of July. What's up with that?

2009-07-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

I have never been a huge fan of the fourth of July. I know that it makes me sound very un-patriotic - and it has nothing to do with celebrating our nation, more with the fact that I hate the whole traditions. Growing up, my mom would bring us all to some random field and we would spread out scratchy blankets and play games with our cousins but everyone's in a bad mood because it's like 110 degrees out and there is bugs everywhere. Then the fireworks would start, and we would be so close (because we were there 4 hours in advance) that parts of the fireworks would be falling on us and so the kids would all freak out and we would have to move. And then there were the years that my sisters and I were in a performing group Showtime and so we had to dance in front of people waiting for the fireworks so we had caked on makeup and curled hair sprayed with approximately a pound of hairspray and tights and a costume so we were covered and hot and it was so claustrophobic. I know my parents were trying to make it fun, and did the best they could, but I've come to the conclusion that the fourth of July in Phoenix will just never be fun.

So this year my family apparently was apart of some fundraiser for my brother's football team and had to work at Tempe Town Lake. So even though my sister Jarica and I were not working we were there for . . . . moral support or something.

So we sat on this concrete bench under this bridge BAKING in the sun for approximately 32 hours. We were so hot that I kept buying water bottles and we literally poured them over our heads and I threw some in her face. She was mad until she realized it was refreshing and did it also. It was so crowded and we were looking around for a place to sit when we found this:

I've decided from this sign that some Mormon must be responsible for it. Because, c'mon, who else uses the word heck?

And while everyone was ooohing and ahhhing at the fireworks I was more impressed with this:

Isn't it pretty? It's the prettiest piece of architecture I've seen in the valley.

On an unrelated note, I've been frustrated lately because I have stuff that I would like to post, stories that I would like to tell, but I don't want everyone and their dog to read it. I know certain people in my life that happen to be ridiculously judgmental and I would never hear the end of it if they knew certain things. It's kinda bumming me out that I can't be myself on here, and I wonder how everyone else does it. I mean especially with kids, there are so many people that would judge a parent for the way you're raising your kids, or things you want to post about your husband but you are afraid your MIL might read it .. . . you know? Or maybe I'm the only one that doesn't mind everyone knowing everything. It's especially sad because yesterday something really funny happened but I can't post it because normally something funny or crazy happens to me because I'm doing something wrong, which is the case with yesterday.

Oh well, I guess I'll settle for this blog to be only moderately offensive instead of completely offensive. Eh, life goes on.

So Sports are draining

2009-06-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

So my little sister Jarica is in volleyball - she's actually really good (not that it comes as a surprise that she's good at something, more that anyone in our family is good at sports, this comes from a family that is SO lazy that me and my sister Kayla would be in bed and wouldn't want to get up and turn off the light at night so we would throw anything in reach at the light switch hoping it would hit it and flip the light off. More often than not we just ended up breaking the light switch. And then we would look at each other and go to bed with the light on.) Anyway, so over the years I have gone to multiple volleyball games of hers to support her and I've noticed that even thought the teams she's been on have changed, the team she's playing change, there are similarities that they all share that I would really like to see go.

Like, the game is held in the YMCA and the genius that set up the court puts the bleachers about 2 feet from the court, so if you sneeze, you have a chance of hitting a player. Right before the game all the girls are warming up and they have approximately 17 balls to every girl and they are all spiking them, in no particular direction except most the time it ends up hitting the people on the bleachers. So you have to be on high alert as well as extremely coordinated or you'll get hit in the head, or eyeball, or ear. Like I did. 3 times. And thats when I decided that reading a book and hoping I'll just sense when a ball was wizzing toward me wasn't such a spectacular idea. But then when I did start paying attention and noticed a ball coming at me I got like stage fright and froze up and kicked the ball instead of catching it. That happened multiple times and I always got evil eyes from the YMCA referee's so I decided to just find a small child and use them as a shield.

Something that seriously annoys me more than anything is when everyone shouts at the players before they even start the game. They are like getting into their positions on the team and as soon as they step on the court it is apparently a signal to the ret of the world to start yelling at them. They all scream "C'mon girls!!" about 32 times followed by "Teamwork!!" Where are these girls supposed to c'mon to? They haven't done anything! And then there the obnoxious teams that everytime the ball goes out of bounds they all scream "OUT!!!!!" as loud as they can. Why is that? Can't they like appoint someone to determine if a ball out so they don't have to scream for the rest of the world? Oh, wait! They do. Its a referee. And then they have the cheers they do for themselves, like when someone hits the ball over well, they'll all scream, "In-STANT re-PLAY!!"(stamp, stamp, stamp-stamp-stamp). They have intricate foot and hand gestures for them too. Could you imagine if pro football players cheered for themselves too when they scored a touch down? I might actually attend those games if they did.

So I had a bad dream

2009-06-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm like a little kid in SO many ways but one of them is that I get freakish nightmares. They're not any regular nightmare, they are like nightmares on steroids. I think its probably because my imagination is so out there when I'm awake and able to control it somewhat that at night it just goes beserk. Anyway, so last night I had a HORRIBLE dream - and I normally wouldn't post this kinda thing, there's a reason, I swear. Well, in real life my little sister Jarica, who is like 12 is seriously afraid to be alone ever. She will have almost full on panic attacks if she is left home alone, and in my dream I dreamt that she passed away and her ghost or spirit was still here. But no one knew but me and she was just bawling always because she was alone and no one was with her where she was. In my dream I tried to just sit with her as most as I could, but I would have to go to work or something and she would beg and scream for me to please not go away. I can't even explain how much the dream tore me up - to feel so helpless to comfort my little sister - it was unfathomable. I was so sad when I woke up - my dreams really affect me, and then the thought came that that kind of thing would never happen - and I know that because I'm Mormon and have the knowledge of what happens after we pass away and that if my little sister did pass away she would never be alone. I was able to put the dream out of my mind because I was so comforted by that thought. But then later today I had the thought come, what do people do that don't have that knowledge? The people that think that your spirit just wanders or something after you die? I don't think I would be strong enough to be a parent if I didn't know that if anything happened to my children and they passed away, they would be taken care of. Ok, I'm done being serious.

So, I was walking to my car after work and following behind these two random guys who were talking and I overheard (ok, I was eavesdropping), but I heard them talking and the first guy was saying that he had a headache and the second guy said to take an aspirin and the second guy said,

"No, I can't. I have like no tolerance for drugs. If I'm ever in war and am captured they could get all my information just by giving me sudafed. I'd be all, 'My name is John. I like puppies and cry during chick flicks.' "

This just cracked me up and left me with a lot of unanswered questions. First of all, what does he think prisoners of war actually go thru? I don't know what idiot teacher said it was full of ice breaker games where people stand up and say, "My name is Billy Bob. I like pina coladas and getting lost in the rain." And second of all, is their a way to contact the like head of the armed forces to let him know to NEVER let this guy enlist? Because seriously, that's all we need is some dude going around telling all our secrets because he had a headache. And third, is it horrible that I totally judge him for picking those two things to describe himself? Puppies and chick flicks? REALLY? Were you trying to hint to the second guy that you don't see him just as a friend? Cus, I think it worked. They stopped talking after that. Hmmmm . . . maybe it was because they saw me listening and got weirded out. No, I'm going with the first one.

So Tyra Banks had a stalker

2009-06-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently Tyra Banks had a stalker that has been caught and part of his sentence is that he has to successfully complete an "Anti-Stalking Class". Is that not officially like the best idea ever?? So, how I imagine it is kinda like what they do with Joey on Friends. Maybe I'm the only one that has watched every single episode but for those that are freaks like me do you remember when Rachel was teaching Joey "good thing, bad thing"? And when stuff happened that would freak a normal person out he was all excited and she was all, "Remember how we talked about good thing, bad thing? Now Joey, this is a BAD thing."
I would totally PAY to sit in that anti-stalking class. I imagine the instructor would be listing things off, like, "Watching someone with binonculars while they're sleeping? BAD THING. Following people home? BAD THING." and then of course one of the stalkers would be like, "Well what if we call someone . . . " and the instructor would be all,"well, I guess good thi-" and he finishes,"37 times a day?" And the instructor was all "No, no, no calling 37 times a day is a BAD THING!" (Instead of saying the pledge of allegiance they probably all sing their theme song "Every Step You Take." I know, I'm totally beating that dead horse, but it's hilarious . .. . .to me, anyway. )

So, I'm super freakin frustrated

2009-06-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

So - some people know, some people don't but I have a hard time (to put it lightly) sleeping. It started in college when I couldn't sleep at night because our dorm room door slammed shut whenever people opened it and I wasn't used to people being around and talking, listening to music, etc when I was trying to sleep. So my mom gave me over the counter sleeping pills. They worked, and I took 2 on nights that it was really hard to doze off. That was, what, like 3 years ago? Man, I'm old. Anyway, so since then I've gotten steadly worse and not being able to sleep. It's gotten to the point now that I am taking 6 benedryl and 3 over the counter sleeping pills to even have a chance of getting sleep. I'm tried getting off multiple times and I'll literally go 72 hours with no sleep before I cave and take some meds. The amount that I'm taking is something I realize is not healthy - I get that - but even that isn't making a difference anymore. Last night I think I got about 3 hours. And even when I do get sleep its not goo dquality sleep because I have sleep apnea and all these other issues that keep me waking up. This is getting to be the norm. And I'm sick to death of it. I'll be watching a show on tv where a character like falls asleep in class or something and I get actually mad thinking how unfair it is that people can just fall asleep so easily. I've tried 4 different prescription sleeping pills - none of them made a difference. I accidentally took them during the day and didn't realize it until hours later. Made no difference at all. One dr finally gave me one prescription that was really strong he said and it did make me fall asleep - but I felt like I was under water for like 20 hours. He called to see if it worked and I told him yes, but I couldn't function the next day. He said he was suprised that I woke up the next day at all because the drug he gave me is something they only give hospitalized patients that need to be put to sleep for a very long time. He said most people sleep at least 24 hours with it and it is extremely strong. So, yeah. If I could sleep all day, that would work. But at the time I was supposed to be at work at 6am. Now, I work at 7 am. So, I went back to my coctail of benedryl and sleeping pills. But I am SO sick of it. My patience is like nonexistant when I'm this tired and I feel bad because I will snap at people and get angry at the stupidest things and it seems so lame to say that its because I'm tired. But it really is, I've been tired for years now. I'm not looking for solutions on here or sympathy, its just been one of those days where I feel like I cannot even function - I've come close to slapping a coworker because she was humming. It's not good. I shouldn't be allowed in public when I'm this tired. Ok, thats the end.

So, my shoe broke. AGAIN. Oh, and birth control. Don't ask me how they are related.

2009-06-15T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, I have this curse where I break like everything I come in contact with. It's forced me to get warranties for anything over $20. (Which - all warranties by the way always exclude coverage if the product was water damaged. So, if my laptop gets dropped in a toilet I'm so totally going to run it over with my car so that when I bring it in they can't be all, 'Ma'm that thing is still dripping from the toilet water. We don't cover toilet accidents.') Anyways, (wait - back up, why would my latop get dropped in the toilet? I don't normally make it a habit to check my email on the toilet. Well, anymore than the average person. Which is like 3 times a week, right?) ANYWAYS, so I break things. And I have literally had 9 flip flops break while I've been at work. And always while I am sitting. I wasn't running, or doing jumping jacks, (that would be a site, huh?) , no I was just sitting there and POP! they just self destructed. So I have tried to repair them with anything I could find at the office which includes staples - which, by the way - DON"T DO!! The staples get loose while you are walking and the staples wedge themselves INTO YOUR FOOT. Using tape is a joke - glue never dries, and paper clips don't fit. You would think that after breaking my shoes that many times I would learn and buy better shoes or bring a spare. Well, I didn't stop buying the $2 flip flops at Old Navy but I did bring a spare. And that worked fabulously until my shoes broke again and I wore my spares home. And never brought them back. So today my flip flops broke yet again, and I had no spare. But, I found string! And the string worked better than all the other attempts combined. And they add a bit of style, I think. Not enough style that I'll wear them again, but just enough that I proudly showed my handiwork to my colleagues. And they all shook their heads and muttered something about getting back on medication.

So, totally off subject, but who else totally loves the YAZ commercial? You know, the birth control? Ok - so this chick comes on and says, "So basically, the FDA called our bluff. Apparently you can't pretend that your birth control has like super magical powers like promising no PMS or the cure for cancer. So, all that stuff before? Just like, pretend it didn't happen, k? YAZ is just a regular old birth control pills. HAPPY FDA????" It's like the best commercial ever. Just for full disclosure - that wasn't a direct quote, more like paraphrasing. I so think my version is better.

So I'm Undecided . . . .

2009-06-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

So this song, "Every Breath You Take", is it a sweet, sentimental love song or a super creepy anthem that unites stalkers everywhere? What do you think?

Every Breath You Take lyrics

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you.
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you.
Oh can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches with every step you take.
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you.
Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace.
I dream at night, I can only see your face.
I look around but it's you I can't replace.
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep calling baby, baby please..................
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you.
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you.......

So, A look inside the mind of Chelsie . . . it's a scary, scary place folks.

2009-06-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

So for those that don't know, I work at Amex in Merchant Services. I talk to tons of people every day and sometimes speak to people whose names are just . . . odd. One that I had a couple of months ago was named Ikram U. Butt . We are supposed to call them Ms. or Mr. and their last name, but I just couldn't call him Mr. Butt. I couldn't do it. I called him sir, and thankfully didn't laugh while I was on the call. Then I got another weird one today, and his name was LaBoob Butt. (What is with all the butts?) And being the freak that I am I wondered how the heck someone would name their kid LaBoob Butt. Then I got a visual of his mom in labor with him and after 20 something hours in labor she was ticked and tired and was angry that the kid wouldn't just come out already. When he is finally born the nurses whisk him away and one nurse turns to the mom and says,
"I need a name for the boy. You know, to put on his birth certificate."
The mom is still gasping for breath after working so hard for the little guy and is well, a little hormonal and says,
" I DON'T CARE!! I'm tired and I want to sleep! Leave me alone!"
The nurse looks at her and says,
" I understand that. But this is your son, and he needs a name."
The mom, now even more angry says,
" FINE!! I'll name him LaBoob Butt."
The nurse looks confused and said
" Um, but your last name is Jones."
and the mom says,
"Yeah, well, he came OUT OF MY BUTT!"
This is how my mind works. Its very entertaining but makes me wonder if I should be kept in padded room at all times.

So, it was Cambree's 3rd Birthday!

2009-06-07T19:56:00.001-07:00

Cambree turned 3! I offered to make the cake - kinda dumb of me, I stress out too much over it, then I watch it get eaten right after it was done being made. Cambree is OBSESSED with princesses, and so I wanted a princess cake.

She looked so happy when she saw the cake. It made all the work worth it.

I put a ton of candles on the cake, because as a kid, I thought the candles were the best part. She looked a little overwhelmed when she saw them all lit. She went to town trying to blow them out, and just couldn't get the job done. We recruited the other kids to join blowing them out. Then the kids just started digging in. It was so funny. Ridge looked like a little monkey on the table, eating away. So cute.

So We Went Swimming . . .

2009-06-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

Being in Phoenix in the summer makes it almost impossible to be outside without going swimming. We had Cambree and Ridge here for about a week and a half and while they were here they loved going swimming. They were sitting outside drying off and Cambree started grooming Jarica's hair.

So, Catching Up . . .

2009-06-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

So, I'll start at the beginning. So for mother's day my dad and uncles rented a stretch hummer and took them out to dinner and a movie. It was quite the event.

She also got these GORGEOUS roses from my sister Kayla among other things. I couldn't get over how pretty they were.

We also got to have Cambree and Ridge, my niece and nephew over. They are the CUTEST kids ever. I could just take pics of them all day. And sometimes, I do. Here's some of my favs from their visit:

Cambree wouldn't cooperate and smile for me, and was being kinda grumpy and just started staring out into the distance. Even when she's not happy, she's still gorgeous.

I got this one of Ridge when he was bouncing on a stability ball with my sister Jarica. He's such a happy boy.

So, Playing "Your Mom" jokes on older people: not a good idea.

2009-05-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

So I have a "cubie" which is a person that sits in the same cube as me at work. She's nice but she's always talking and loud and asking questions. And normally her questions are silly and kind of get annoying and so today she asked,

"Who sent me this email?"

Without turning around I just said,

"Your mom."

I thought maybe she'd get the hint that I don't know and that I'm involved doing my own important work. (Ok, so I was just playing solitaire. So what?) Instead she says,

" I wish it was from my mom. She died last year. I would give anything to talk to her again."

Then she got really quiet and stopped talking for awhile. So I guess I got the result I was looking for, (a quiet cubie) but I'm now officially the worst person in the history of the world. So I figure its a fair trade-off.

So this is my First Fondant Cake

2009-05-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

So it was my sis Kayla's birthday last Saturday so I decided to try to make a birthday cake out of fondant. Not as easy as it looks. I started out with white fondant and decided to color it for many reasons, but mostly because apparently fondant tastes disgusting. So I added chocolate to the white fondant and voilah! brown fondant. I don't know why it suprised me that it changed color, but it did. Stop judging me.

So if I'm ever in a bad mood I just have to look at this . . . .

2009-05-01T11:37:00.001-07:00

So this is the sign that is on the property of my work Amex. The first time I saw it I got this hilarious mental image of a group of middle aged men walking out of the building on their lunch break carrying shovels over their shoulders and whistling. They reach the sign and just stare blankly at it and then they look at each other,

"Fiber optic what?"

"Did someone see us digging last time?"

"What are we going to do during our lunch break now?"

"Aw, man. This is the only hobby I had!"

Then they turn around and walk back into the building. Cracks me up every time.

So I can't make macaroni and cheese, but I can make cakes?

2009-05-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm in a cake decorating class with Katy and this is the only one I made that was presentable. Sad day.

So I guess this is what you should expect when you pay $32 for a hotel . . .

2009-04-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

I went to Flagstaff to see my sister Kayla last weekend and we stayed in a cheap hotel. I was really excited about the deal I got until I got to the hotel and realized how much money I would be spending at Target in order to be remotely okay with staying there longer than an hour. The room smelled like old people/feet/mold, so of course I needed Febreeze, the sheets looked, well, questionable,

so I got a new pillow, we brought

candles to help with the smell too. I almost got a blanket until the cheapest one Target had was $50. So I toughed it out.

The door had this random plastic thing

just sticking out of the wall next to the door.

There was absolutely no purpose for it.

There was only one possible outlet to use . . . right behind the tv. Seriously? Anytime we had to plug in a phone charger, or laptop, or straightener, we had to jump over the cord.

Then . . . saving best for last . . . . the bathroom door. Well, I'm guessing they had GENIUS architects for this motel, and they didn't build enough room so that the door could open without hitting the toilet. So, they CUT A HOLE IN THE DOOR. Classy!

So, there's a book called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

2009-04-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you read that right. I did not make that up. Apparently someone thought that the one thing missing from the Jane Austin collection was putting dead people with no souls in there. It is now complete. Of course I had to check this book out online to make sure this author wasn't expecting people to take their book too seriously. I was sadly mistaken. I came across this review from a Hokie4VT who said:

"My main problem was all the ridiculous nonsense about ninjas and dojos. I mean, come on. It is certainly believable that the sisters would have learned different fighting arts but traveling to the "Orient" and studying with martial arts masters? I doubt very seriously if they could have afforded to travel to China and it would have been much more realistic to have focused on European fighting methods. [ . . . ]I couldn't get over the scene where Elizabeth kills three of Lady Catherine's ninjas and then eats part of one of their hearts. "

Apparently this reader found the book too far out there because the fighting arts originate from China. Really?!? That's the only thing keeping this from being realistic? Wow. WOW.