Tuesday, July 14, 2009

So I'm pretty sure I'm dying

***** UPDATE***** 
So I was just at WalMart and my total came to $6.66. If that isn't a sign I'm going to die, I don't know what is . .. . . . I can't make this crap up.
I have always had ear infections since . . . . the beginning of time I'm pretty sure. And I normally wait until my ears swell shut before I will go to the dr because ear infections are a pretty expensive hobby to have when you go to the dr every time. So I am all about DIY fixes. So lately I've had ear infections, because, you know, it's the thing to do, and I've been treating it with hydrogen peroxide. I don't just pour the bottle in my ear, I soak a q-tip with it and put it in my ear. Well, hydrogen peroxide bubbles whenever it hits infection and I would go through 4-6 q-tips before they would stop bubbling in my ear. Well, it seems to be working, because my ears stopped bleeding, but now my throat is kinda killer and I'm super nauseous and dizzy so I'm pretty sure I'm dying of hydrogen peroxide poisening. Who knew that like everything is connected? What the crap? Ick. So maybe I should give up and go to the dr except that my dr has seen me trying to do other DIY treatments for all my other problems and tells me that normally I make it worse and I'm pretty sure she's not gonna appreciate having to treat me for hydrogen peroxide poisening. Especially because I'm probably the first one to get it and there isn't a cure yet. And if a Dr is mad at you I'm pretty sure they'll make you get random painful tests just for the heck of it - kinda like how if you are mean to a waitress they'll sneeze in your food? Who knows how many procedures a dr could come up with? And I cry when I get my blood pressure taken (it squeezes REALLY hard ok?!!?) so I don't think I'll last long, so if I don't die from the poisening I'll die from having so many tests. So I tend to avoid letting people who know what they're doing see how badly I've damaged random parts of me. It's like chopping your own hair off and then going to a professional and have them make it look good again. Really stupid ide- wait, I've done that too. Did you know when you are thinning your own hair with thinning scissors you should NOT start cutting at the scalp? It makes for some pretty spiky layers. Who knew, right? (Well, probably the professionals knew that, but they should like have a learners manual that comes with the thinning scissors. They can't expect the general public to just understand what not to do.) They put like warnings on microwave dinners that say obvious stuff like, btw, the product will be hot after you're done cooking it, but they don't think to put a warning on the scissors that says, hey, you know, maybe you shouldn't thin your own hair, maybe you should pay the $10 and go to supercuts. So, I may die today of hydrogen peroxide poisening because going to the dr would be embarrassing and expensive and painful and because I'll be the first one to die from it they'll have to name it after me, you know, like Lou Gehrig's disease. So people in the future can say they died from Chelsie poisening, which is pretty awesome. At least I'll leave a legacy . . . . .

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