Monday, December 27, 2010
Alabama: It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Alaska: Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.
Arizona: Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.
Arkansas: It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.
California: You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.
Colorado: It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).
Connecticut: A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.
Delaware: It’s illegal to get married on a dare.
Washington, D.C.: It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
Florida: If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.
Georgia: It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.
Hawaii: All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.
Idaho: A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.
Illinois: It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).
Indiana: The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
Iowa: One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Kansas: It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).
Kentucky: Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.
Louisiana: Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.
Maine: If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.
Maryland: It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).
Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.
Michigan: A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
Minnesota: It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).
Mississippi: Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).
Missouri: Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.
Montana: It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
Nebraska: Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.
Nevada: It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.
New Hampshire: It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
New Jersey:It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
New Mexico:Females may not appear unshaven in public.
New York: While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.
North Carolina: It’s against the law to sing off-key.
North Dakota: It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Ohio: You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.
Oklahoma: It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.
Oregon: State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.
Pennsylvania: It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Rhode Island: You may not bite off another person’s leg.
South Carolina: If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.
South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
Tennessee: Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.
Texas: You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
Utah: It is illegal not to drink milk.
Vermont: Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Virginia: Tickling a woman is unlawful.
Washington: It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.
West Virginia: If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.
Wisconsin: Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.
Wyoming: Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Um . . . that would be me.
On an entirely different note, I've been working A LOT lately and on Saturday morning I was walking into work when I saw this:
And then I wondered why the sunset was on the wrong side. It took me awhile to remember that sunrises are on the east side. It's been awhile since I've witnessed one. Well, willingly at least. Which is why I don't believe I should be awake before 8am - I'm just too stupid to handle sunrise logic.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
So if you can comprehend this post it means you can also follow my daily train of thought. If you can, I'm sorry. And I think we should be friends.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Then, Saturday morning I was suddenly infested with gnats. And gnats are possibly the stupidest and most annoying organism in the world. They have NO FEAR. They just fly right up to your face like, "HEY! WHAT'S UP!? HEYHEYHEYHEY!" and do not know when to quit. And any attempts to trying to kill them inevitably ends up with hitting yourself in the face. So I decided to google it and started typing, and then google started doing the "Hey, I think I can finish your sentence! Let me guess! LET ME!!" and it is ALWAYS WRONG. See below:
I finally found the information I needed and so I did what the internets told me to and filled a bunch of cups with apple cider vinegar and oil and placed them around the apartment. (Seriously, I sometimes wonder if all of the internet got together in some kind of conspiracy and made up something crazy and watched to see if people actually did it. Because it's on the internet. Like, for example, placing cups of apple cider vinegar and oil around your house. They're probably watching and screaming, "I can't believe she did it!! She actually set out the equivalent of salad dressing around her house thinking it will kill bugs! These crazy kids . . . . ")
Then, because I was feeling uber gross with gnats flying around, I poured chlorine bleach down every drain, then plugged the drain, and filled the sink/bathtub with bleach. You know, for good measure. So my apartment now smells like a pool on steroids. And the fumes are ridiculous and headache-inducing.
Because I was stuck at home because my car was being ridiculous, I decided to dye my hair. And I have yet to figure out how to gracefully rinse out the dye - so I end up doing acrobatic yoga poses trying to rinse my hair without staining my clothes and the rest of the bathroom, which took FOREVER. And I'm pretty sure that in the process of attempting to climb the walls for a better hair rinsing posistion, I did some kind of damage to my legs and back. They hurt crazy bad that night and still do. And I didn't mention anything because I get accused of being dramatic (I have no idea why). And then yesterday I noticed that I have two huge bologna-sized bruises (nice visual, eh?) on the front of my shins. I'm willing to bet that I'm the only person who has ever bruised themselves while dying their hair. It takes talent.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
And I'm pretty sure punching myself in the face probably won't help my headache. But it sure would be funny to watch.
Monday, October 4, 2010
I've yet to recover from the damage this has done to my budget which means I have to make my own food because it's supposedly cheaper. Which kinda explains the several bouts of food poisoning and loss of the bulk of my dishes as of late.
Here's the thing: food tastes better when I'm not the one making it. And it has nothing to do with the actual taste or quality . . . . I just can't stop thinking about all the ingredients.
Case in point - several months I coerced my little sister Jarica into making Chicken Carbonara with me from scratch. I tend to force people into helping me cook for the same reason I would bring someone with me down a dark alley - if they're the only one that makes it to the other side, they could at least witness to investigators where I got lost. I liked the Lean Cuisine version of Chicken Carbonara and had yet to try the real thing - and if the Lean Cuisine version was good then just IMAGINE how good the real thing is. The possibilities!
So we went about making this dish - which took close to 2 hours. We sat down to eat and both of us were surprised that it tasted pretty dang good. Jarica enthusiastically ate and even went to get seconds while I sat there slowly picking at it. Because you know what I was thinking about? All the ingredients. I kept thinking that I could actually taste the flour we used to make the sauce, the chicken stock, the eggs, etc. I've always had a problem putting ingredients in that I didn't like eating individually . . . and when I make food, I always taste the individual ingredients. Just because I know they're there. And then I remember the dishes waiting to be cleaned. Oh, the dishes. I can't tell you how many times I've stood staring at a dish mentally calculating how long it would take me to clean it and ended up convincing myself that the right thing to do for the world is to throw them away and buy new dishes. Because of course I'm sure these dishes are made in China or something, so I'm contributing to their job security, which is a very generous and charitable act. But of course no good deed goes unpunished, and I end up spending way too much money replacing those dishes. Which is why I now only have paper plates and bowls and up until last week didn't even have real silverware. And I've now decided that it's actually cheaper to pay someone to cook for me. It's in every one's best interest really.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I was supposed to pack and get ready on Thursday night, because I was supposed to leave from work on Friday. However, I needed to make 3 fabric flowers for Andi's flower girls. I've never made fabric flowers before, but figured they looked rather simple. And they are - unless you are attempting to talk on the phone, watch The Office, and make fabric flowers at the same time. Instead of actually looking up instructions, I figured I could wing it and just started cutting random circle-ish pieces of fabric. I then attempted to sew the pieces of fabric together and then attach the buttons - which, by the way I had to paint brown because I couldn't find brown buttons. I ended up breaking 2 of the 3 buttons in the process (because I'm talented) and ended up ripping replacement buttons off my own shirts hanging in the closet. (That's dedication, folks.) Then I had to go to the task of burning the edges - because apparently a fabric flower is not cute unless it looks like it survived a house fire. I finished burning the edges without much incident. Then I realized that these flowers were kinda huge, and when I started cutting I didn't even think about what size I was making them. They were about 2x the size I really needed. So instead of doing the practical thing and cutting off the excess, I figured I would just keep burning the edges. Well that amounted to A LOT of burning fabric which amounted to A LOT of floating ash flying around the room. And the smell wasn't pleasant. It seems that whenever I do anything crafty, it never looks organized and dainty like other women. Instead, it looks more like someone accidentally left the craft box out and a 6 year destroyed it and then started throwing things. For the amount of work they took, I don't really care for them, but I brought them anyway.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
- This week I am thankful to my sister Jarica who (is it whom? I never know . . . ) shared her cold with me. Without which I would have not have remembered how nice it is to be able to breathe in and out completely, and would not have pondered how long a nose can run without running out of reserves.
- This week I am thankful to Costco for providing me with Kleenex. Well, they didn't really provide it because I had to pay . . . more like I'm thankful they forced me to stock up on enough Kleenex to keep me prepared until I am 75, or through a bad cold - whichever comes first.
- I'm thankful to vicodin for keeping me from scratching out my eyeballs when the WORST migraine ever hit Monday night . . . .right before I was getting ready to sleep.
- I'm thankful that I do not have any roommates so I didn't have to apologize for loudly throwing up at 2am Wednesday night from what was apparently food poisoning. That's what I get for cooking for myself.
- I'm thankful that on Thursday people at work don't automatically jump to the conclusion that I'm going through withdrawals when they see me alternating between shivering and sweating at work, while I continually ran fevers. (I'm told that withdrawals was at least 3rd on the list of possible explanations. Followed closely by The Plague.)
- I'm NOT thankful for my Flinstones vitamins. Because I eat at least 15 of those things a day and I'm still sick. Rip-off.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Admit it. It's eerily similiar.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
- When I worked at Water World as a lifeguard and fell into the wave pool and took down the entire wood siding with me. Good times.
- The time I worked at AMC 30 and was the only one that showed for the usher shift on New Years Eve for the entire theater. Which meant I had to clean all the bathrooms, all the throw-up in the aisles, all the spilled popcorn for all 30 theaters BY MYSELF.
- The time I worked as a massage therapist at Lavenders and the hydrotherapy room flooded so we spent the day carrying out all the furniture of the entire spa and sweeping out the water without being paid (because no clients=no pay). Oh, and the electrical sockets were ON THE FLOOR so they were covered in water that we were wading in. Slightly dangerous.
- The time I was a manager for Geppedos porcelain dolls and I spent an entire night by myself in the dark in a storage unit organizing impossible inventory whilst several rats ran around.
- The one day I worked as a tele-marketer selling trash bags in some creepy hole-in-the-wall office in downtown Phoenix with 15 skeevy men that smoked the entire time, leaving me nauseous and wondering what life choices I made that led me to a job where I sold TRASH BAGS. (Wow, that is a long sentence.)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
So I brought one of those Smart Ones pasta imitations to work today. I heated it up for like 7 minutes because I never look at the directions, and the tomato sauce was like lava. I brought up a spoonful of the pasta up to my mouth to blow on to hopefully cool it down to slightly less hot than lava temperature, and on the first blow I blew the SCREAMING HOT PASTA into my . . . chest. It completely bypassed my shirt and went INTO the most awkward spot you can get pasta stuck in and like buried itself so it was no longer visible. And did I mention that the pasta was hot? Because I'm pretty sure I have 2nd degree burns going on because I couldn't exactly go mining for ziti in front of my colleagues.
Monday, July 19, 2010
- Moving is no fun. As in an evil, no good, hateful activity that does not get easier the more you do it. (Oh, did I not mention that I moved? For the 11th time in 7 years? Well, I did.)
- Things that are broken before you move will be completely unusable by the time it reaches its destination. (cough, cough, like this side table)
- Things that weren't broken before will break in the process of moving. Nothing a little hot glue can't fix, right?
- If you leave your hot glue sticks in your car in Phoenix for 2+ days, they will become one large glue stick.
- No amount of candles/febreeze will cover the stench of smoke from previous occupants.
- It's a heck of a lot easier to live in a first floor apartment vs a third floor apartment.
- Talking to people in call centers SUCKS. Especially when you work in one and can pinpoint what they've done that is against call center regulations.
- There is a point that your brain will stop remembering yet another address, apt number, and mail box number. Which will make it a little difficult to to change your address with eleventyhundred different companies.
- If you don't buy a router for your internet, you will be tethered to a wall whenever you want to use the internet, causing you to stand next to the tv to access it.
- After purchasing a router, you should kidnap a smart person to set it up for you . . . .because setting up a router is hard.
- Living .5 miles from work doesn't mean you'll get there earlier.
- Navigating a 12 seater van at Sky Harbor airport at 6am is no fun.
- Procrastination hits whole new levels when you procrastinate a surgery. (Yeah, I need surgery on my ear. And I've decided to pull it off until next year because I can't take that much time off from work right now.)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
So I happened upon this article. Don't ask me how. I'm not quite sure.
Basically a bunch of sumo wrestlers get together and hold babies and whoever's baby cries first wins. I'm not making this up. But now I have a reason to go to Japan.
Sidenote: Anyone wanna lend me your baby for a field trip? I'll take real good care of it and bring back lots of pictures. There is, however, a very *small* chance they will need extensive therapy later in life and be terrified of large men wearing diapers. But that's normal . . . right?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Some fillings I've done in the past are:
- a mixture of cream cheese and chocolate pudding with crumbled oreos on top
- chocolate pudding with gummy bears and worms mixed in (this one was for my nieces cake. I thought it would be fun - it kinda just confused the kids. They were like mid chew and then they were like, "What the? What IS this? candy? I thought I was eating cake . . .. " and then we had to explain they were eating both. Then they looked at us like we were crazy. And I realized they were right.
So I'm making a cake this Saturday for my niece's birthday and I'm debating what I should fill it with this time. My favorite dessert is No-bake cookies and I've seriously considered putting the mixture of no bakes as the filler. YUM. But then it would take so much time to explain to the kids that they are eating a cake and a cookie. Some things just aren't worth it.
P.S. - If this cake looks decent, I'll post pics this weekend. Don't get too excited because it doesn't look like a big possibility right now.