So, etc.

It all started about 2 weeks ago. I decided to use my heater for the first time ever. As soon as I turned it on, there was a horrible smell and the smoke alarm went off. And even though I turned off the heater right away, the smoke alarm kept going for a couple minutes. I ended up trying to get warm using my blow dryer, just like our ancestors did.

Then on Monday night the 17th(?) I got sick. REALLY sick. It hit hard. And this stunk because it was also the night before I had to house sit for my parents. House sitting isn't a big deal - except that I was planning on getting my heater fixed while I was gone. Which meant I had to remove all valuables from the apartment. This sounds like an over reaction - but let me explain. So, the maintenance guy at my apartment is a little . .. .special. I'm really not sure how he got his job. When I first moved in there was a huge hole in my shower and no faucet. I asked them to fix it and the maintenance guy came over - empty handed. He actually asked me for a dime so he could screw in the faucet and then tried to leave the hole - even after I explained how having a hole can become a problem when I'm taking a shower. So - he's not the lightest bulb. So, I've thinking if he tries to fix my heater, my apartment is totally gonna catch on fire. And if that happens, I don't want all my important things to be destroyed. So I had to pack my most important things, and find a place for all the things that wouldn't fit. So . .. it was a long night. I ended up going to my parents house at 2:30 AM for a breathing treatment because I couldn't breathe. Fun stuff. Then I went to work without sleeping and then went to see the nurse. She said I have bronchitis and my oxygen count was really low because I've always had a lower lung capacity than most. So I had to go get drugs (YAY for drugs) and go home. Within 4 hours I felt worse. Much worse. So I ended up waiting 5 hours to get into Urgent Care. Who said I have the flu also. I was running fevers constantly and started suffering the fun effects of the stomach flu. It was horrible. I kept having asthma attacks and then started panicking because I couldn't breathe which made it worse. I was out of work the whole week. When I went back on Monday I was thinking I might be getting better and went to the nurse to get refills on my prescriptions. When I went there they said they were alarmed that I was getting worse, and that I had developed double ear infections. So I had to leave and get more prescriptions. The next day I felt like I really needed to try and make it through a day at work. So I went in feeling ok. Within 2 hours I suddenly had a huge asthma attack and coughing up blood (YUMMY!). I ran out to a rarely used hallway because I didn't want to make a scene. I couldn't catch my breath and was sure I was going to pass out in this hallway and die. Because I'm a little dramatic but also because I really couldn't breathe. I made it to the nurse ad when they saw that I was coughing up blood they weren't too excited. Apparently that isn't good. So they sent me home again. I then had to stay home the next day as well. When all was said and done, I spent close to $400 on doctor's visits, prescriptions, and over the counter medicines. Frankly, I'm surprised I'm still employed. So this is the VERY long excuse for why I haven't blogged in awhile. The End.

So I'll probably forget this by tomorrow . . .

So work has been interesting lately. (If you ever miss a post, odds are it's about work, my sleep, or near death experiences. Sometimes all in the same post. Like magic!)

Anyway, so I'm helping train our new hires at work for the next 9 weeks. The manager had a long meeting with me today about expectations of their coaches (which is pretty much old news to me because I've been coaching for the past 2 years). So, we're going through different coaching techniques and several times he asked for an example of a certain situation (ex: "When have you had to deliver a difficult message to a co-worker?). Well, as luck would have it, I pretty much have experienced the very worst possible scenarios in my time working. Things that literally had him writing things down to remember because they were so bad. Because of this, we moved along pretty quickly because he could see I'm pretty seasoned. So we kept breezing through the material and he would start a topic and I would make a comment to show that I understand so we could move past it. I should mention that I'm still not taking any more sleep aids. Which also means I'm not sleeping. I've seriously had less than 4 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. Which tends to not end well. So I felt like the meeting was going pretty well -considering - until . . .

So the manager started going over how it's important to not just give someone the answer but to help them find the answer. To respond explaining that I understood I meant to use the old cliche "If you teach a man to fish, etc" but what ACTUALLY came out was: "Yeah, I had to teach a dog to fish."

There was a moment where I didn't even hear what I had actually said - and then I saw his eyes widen and he said, "Wow. You really have had some extreme experiences."

Maybe drug free is NOT the way to be.

So, Another Sleep Misadventure

So last Saturday (the 1st) I decided to stop taking Benedryl and Tylenol PM every night. Health professionals everywhere just breathed a sigh of relief. This has nothing to do with a New Year's resolution, I just got tired of all super fun side effects taking massive amounts of drugs to get myself to sleep has caused me in the last 4+ years. You know, the foggy daze I was in, slurred speech, the Costco size Benedryl bottle that has been my constant sidekick, and the hate mail I receive daily from my liver. So on Saturday night I was awake until 5 am. That's when my resolve started to shake and I decided to look up symptoms of Benedryl overdose. Just to freak myself out so I don't decide to crack under the insomnia-induced pressure. And you wouldn't even believe what an overdose with Benedryl causes . . . .insomnia. (I KNOW!) It also causes a lot of other fun things I've experienced like headaches, blurred vision, fevers, etc.

So I made it through and didn't take anything. And I still haven't. (Applause). It has been really interesting as I notice changes . . . . for example, over the past several years I've gotten used to this constant mental fuzziness and it's been slowly going away. It's quite unsettling actually. It's almost like sitting in a room with a TV set to static. After a few seconds of listening to that loud buzzing you're like, 'Wow, that's super annoying and quite distracting.' But you get used to it. You learn to work around it and after awhile it becomes a new normal. It's been your background noise for so long that it's almost comforting. And then someone turns off the tv and it feels eerily quiet. So that's been me the last few days - walking around asking who turned off the tv. I'm sleeping about every other night which is pretty good considering. So, yeah.

Oh! And I almost forgot. I made something. It's a jewelry holder. I've been wanting one for awhile because my jewelry ends up in a tangled mess. But the ones I want are like $50 + shipping. So I decided to make my own. I saw an example online and it took a frame, attached some hooks, and then put some plastic mesh stuff in the middle so you can attach your earrings. I wasn't a huge fan of the plastic mesh anyway, but I couldn't find them anywhere. So I tried to think of something that would work. Then I saw cheese cloth, and it looks like something earrings would snag to. And, good news, cheese cloth can be used for other purposes than just keeping cheese modest. So I got a frame and painted it, screwed some hooks into it, and attached some cheese cloth with my trusty companion, hot glue. Then I attached some fabric behind the cheese cloth. I then made some flowers for the corner. It actually turned out really well - it kind of threw me off actually. I keep expecting it to self-destruct or something. But so far it's doing just fine, functioning and everything. Who woulda thunk?

So I'm a rebel. Just not in Arizona.

I was reading an article that has 'bizarre' state laws. They picked the craziest one for each state. For example, in California it is illegal to eat an orange in a bathtub. As I was reading them, I was thinking how fun it would be to make a life goal to break every single one of them. Because really, even if I did get in trouble for it, how funny would it be to go to jail for eating an orange in your tub? Pretty dang. Other laws might be a little difficult to break though. For example, in Pennsylvania it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. I'd not only have to go to Pennsylvania, but find a refrigerator, transport it outside, find a way to get on top of it, and then go to sleep. That's a little too much effort for a laugh. Some states have laws that are practically asking the rest of the country to make fun of them. For example, in Kentucky every citizen is required to take a shower once a year. So I was thinking I can just go break the crazy Arizona law just for kicks . . . . until I read it. The 'bizarre' law they picked for Arizona is that no one can chop down a cactus. Well, we all know that. And we know there is like intense penalties for it, so it's not so bizarre. Which makes me think that maybe in other states, their 'bizarre' are also well known and totally normal to them. Like, if I was to go to North Carolina and ask about their crazy law, they'd be all, "Well, of course it's against the law to sing off-key. Everyone knows that." I also love them because I like to imagine what must have happened in order for it to become a law. Like the law in Rhode Island that says it is illegal to bite off someone's leg. How many times did that have to happen before the people to be like, hmm, maybe we should make a law against that?
Enjoy:

Alabama: It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Alaska: Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.
Arizona: Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.
Arkansas: It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.
California: You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.
Colorado: It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).
Connecticut: A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.
Delaware: It’s illegal to get married on a dare.
Washington, D.C.: It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
Florida: If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.
Georgia: It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.
Hawaii: All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.
Idaho: A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.
Illinois: It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).
Indiana: The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
Iowa: One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Kansas: It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).
Kentucky: Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.
Louisiana: Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.
Maine: If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.
Maryland: It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).
Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.
Michigan: A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
Minnesota: It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).
Mississippi: Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).
Missouri: Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.
Montana: It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
Nebraska: Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.
Nevada: It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.
New Hampshire: It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
New Jersey:It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
New Mexico:Females may not appear unshaven in public.
New York: While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.
North Carolina: It’s against the law to sing off-key.
North Dakota: It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Ohio: You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.
Oklahoma: It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.
Oregon: State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.
Pennsylvania: It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Rhode Island: You may not bite off another person’s leg.
South Carolina: If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.
South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
Tennessee: Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.
Texas: You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
Utah: It is illegal not to drink milk.
Vermont: Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Virginia: Tickling a woman is unlawful.
Washington: It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.
West Virginia: If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.
Wisconsin: Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.
Wyoming: Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.

So everyone can take pleasure in my pain.

Everyone knows I'm not the greatest cook. If I follow directions EXACTLY things tend to be ok. It's when I get creative that things go terribly wrong. Like tonight.

Yes, it is Christmas Eve - at 11:30 pm actually when I'm writing this. I offered to make a breakfast casserole for the family for Christmas morning. But I wanted to make it the night before because I'm definitely not a morning person. The casserole I decided to make has a ton of ingredients including bacon. I hate cooking bacon, so I decided to throw it in the oven on an aluminum pan to cook instead. While it was in there I was busy grating the cheese, chopping the onions, etc. I was very careful to diligently check on the bacon so it wouldn't burn but it didn't seem to be cooking. So I turned up the cooking temp to somewhere over 400 degrees. I then kept assembling the rest of it and remember thinking how well it was going, and how I might actually have an uneventful cooking experience. And that was the moment the fire alarm went off.

I kind of panicked when it happened because the alarm was SO loud, and it was 10:30 at night. I didn't want to wake my neighbors and cause a bigger scene. So I started running to my patio door and then stopped when I saw how much smoke was coming out of the oven so I ran back to the oven to grab the bacon. That's when I remembered that I only have one hot pad and all my towels were in the wash. I took the one hot pad and attempted to take the pan out of the oven. Because the pan was just aluminum foil, it kind of crumpled around my hand, spilling bacon grease all over the oven, all over the floor, and covering my thumb in the bubbling mess. I ran with the collapsing pan to the patio door where I remembered that the patio door isn't only locked, but it's blocked by a security device thing because I'm paranoid at night. I had to free the security bar while my thumb became one with the boiling grease that kept threatening to redecorate my living room floor. Miraculously I got the pan out on the patio before the pan could completely collapse.

I then ran and got a shirt and furiously tried to wave the smoke out the door to stop the alarm. After a couple minutes the alarm finally quieted and I realized how stinking bad my thumb hurt. I actually had bought a first aid kit over a year ago that I had never used. I brought it out and tried to find some kind of burn cream. I had to through every item in the kit including an emergency blanket, a glow stick, and anti-diarrheal pills before I FINALLY found some burn cream. By the way, have you ever noticed that it takes two working thumbs to open a bandaid?

So tonight I learned not to cook bacon in the oven, that people that make first aid kits apparently people think most customers are diarrhea-ridden, cold, and in the dark, and that I really need two hot pads.

Merry Christmas.

So I hate Walmart.

I've never been too thrilled with the service at Walmart. In fact, I can't think of anyone that has had good service at Walmart. But it seems to have gotten worse lately. Before I'd become immune to the rude comments and slow service, but now it's almost like they're all having a contest to see who can alienate the most customers the fastest. And they are all winning. The other day I was there with my brother and sister and they were wanting a Calendar. Just a basic calendar. But we couldn't find them anywhere . . . . so I actually attempted to ask someone. The first person suggested somewhere we had already looked and then gave up, the second person pretended not to hear me, and then I came upon the third employee. This employee actually suggested an area and offered to show me where she thought they were. I actually got a little excited because they never actually go with you, even if it is only 25 feet away. They normally just point and mumble. Well, when we got there and she saw that there wasn't actually any calendars, she just shrugged and stared at me. As if I'm supposed to thank her for walking me to a dead end. So I asked if she knew of another department that would have them, and she just started staring vacantly and then slowly inching to the end of the aisle so she could leave. I really couldn't believe it - I wasn't being rude, but she just wouldn't help. Nearby customers saw this whole scene and actually started suggesting where they think they've seen some calendars. It's pretty pathetic when a company as big as Walmart has to rely on the customers to help each other.

The other night I was there around 1 am, which is no fun to begin with because that is when all the weird people come out to shop. But it also means that all the employees are restocking the shelves. Which is understandable except for the fact that they like to pretend customers aren't there. When I try to get past them, they ignore me as if I'll just go away if they pretend I'm not there. And when I was in an aisle that night they actually placed a ton of crates of merchandise on either end of the aisle without me realizing it. It completely blocked me in. When someone finally came to move it out of the way, they not only didn't apologize, they looked at me like I should be apologizing to them for making them move the crates.

I've decided the customer service training for Walmart must consist of:

"Try not to make death threats to the customers. Unless they ask you questions. Then it's totally understable. The End."

So it's been busy

So a couple days ago my little sister Jarica called me and told me her gerbil, that she'd had for 5 years was dying. I went over to stay with her as moral support - because having your first pet die is tough. It was a very long un-fun process. I've decided we need to be able to have inexpensive ways of putting gerbils to sleep. I kept googling for a way to do that - but apparently I'm the first to think of it because everyone else was more interested in how to keep their gerbil alive. Go figure.

When the gerbil did pass we had a heck of a time trying to find the right size box for him (or her? . . . ). Every box we found was pretty big enough for the gerbil and 300 of his friends. We finally found a little box that was supposed to be for golf balls. It was just the right size. Then I tried explaining to Jarica that we can't really bury him - because when I did that for all my 26 hamsters they ended up being Hors d'œuvres for the coyotes. So I took on the duty of carrying out the burial via the trash can. Except that after enduring the many exhausting hours before, I was kinda in a hurry to get home and the recycle bin was the closest to my car. So the recycle bin ended up being the gerbil's final resting place. The next morning one of my friends from work came over and said she saw this sign on a recycle truck:

And she asked, "Who would EVER throw a gerbil in the recycle bin?!?!"

Um . . . that would be me.

On an entirely different note, I've been working A LOT lately and on Saturday morning I was walking into work when I saw this:

And then I wondered why the sunset was on the wrong side. It took me awhile to remember that sunrises are on the east side. It's been awhile since I've witnessed one. Well, willingly at least. Which is why I don't believe I should be awake before 8am - I'm just too stupid to handle sunrise logic.