So I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy

So you know how I don't do things the normal way? (I think this has been established). Well, when I moved in I didn't have curtain rods but I always put black out curtains up. So in my bedroom I literally nailed the curtains to the wall on both windows. I would always joke that at least no one will be able to get in. Well . . . . .
Tonight I come home to cop cars parked outside my apartment. A couple months ago a woman was stabbed to death in our complex, so I was thinking great, somebody else died. I feel safe. Instead I walk up and there were 2 cops walking away from my apartment. They asked me if I lived there and I said yes. They then said that my neighbor's apartment got burglarized and their place was trashed. They said that there were pry marks and signs that the intruder attempted to get into my bedroom windows. They asked if they could come in and check out my place. I was freaked out mainly because now that I work from home, all my work equipment cannot be stolen. It would be a nightmare. We walk in and nothing was taken. So the officers asked if they could look at the windows. That's when I remembered that the curtains are nailed to the wall. When I looked closer I could see the curtain had been pushed open in one small section and 2 of the nails were on the ground. The officers looked at it and said it was such a smart security decision to nail the curtains to the wall, because if you slow them down enough, they move on. They said that must have been what happened - that the burglars had too hard a time with my place because of my 'great idea', so they moved on to my neighbors.
This made me grateful that 1) Obviously, all my stuff wasn't stolen, 2) My place was pretty presentable, and there were no unmentionables on my bedroom floor 3) I actually did my hair and makeup today and didn't look too horrible in front of the hot cops.
Lesson Learned: Continue to do things the wrong way. Sometimes it makes you look like a genius in front of good looking cops.

So once again I broke something. And then I made it worse.

So I was doing laundry last night at midnight (like every other normal person) and decided that I was tired and didn't want to do several loads so I decided to wash ALL my clothes at one time. I spent several minutes stuffing every article of wearable clothes into the washing machine - just like my mom always warned me was going to break the machine. Even as I was doing it, I was thinking this was not going to end well. And here's the difference between me and normal people: I did it anyway. So it only took about 10 minutes before the washer started making loud thunking noises and then clicking sounds, followed by silence. Nothing. It wouldn't do anything - wash, rinse, permanent press, NADA. The washer was filled with water and my clothes were tangled up and not moving. The problem was I had lunch with former colleagues today and didn't think they'd understand why I showed up in my pajamas. So I knew I couldn't wait for the maintenance guy to come. So I spent the next 3 hours pulling out my clothes once by one and wringing them out the best I could and finding somewhere to hang them. Now this is what doesn't make sense to me - I don't know if it was the late hour or what, but I apparently forgot that my DRYER was still in working order. I spent a ridiculous amount of time wacking my clothes against funiture (because that's how they dried clothes in the olden days, I assume), rolling them up in towels and sitting on them, and ineffectively blowing them dry with my blow dryer. Finally, I remembered the dryer still worked, and I tried that route. But the clothes were so wet still that it took 6 cycles in the dryer to finally dry.
Then today, after all that, I thought for kicks and giggles I'd see what would happen if I unplugged the washer and plugged it in again. Because that how you fix computers, right? And it started right up. Of course.

So I'm no detective, but I'm pretty sure anyone would consider this a justifiable reason for manslaughter

Ok, so I don't know if you've seen the 'Clean and Clear' commercial but every time I see it I sit and wonder for hours an undetermined amount of time what marketing genius came up with the idea. If you haven't seen it, here's the basic premise:
It's early morning, apparently, and this girl's roommate thinks that it is a grand idea to start playing music. The girl comes in the kitchen and says to quiet down, and the roommate decides that instead of turning down the music, she should insult her instead. She says, "I know what YOU need!" (This is of course a suggestion that her T-Zone is a little shiny) and they then have a face washing party. It all ends with them singing and dancing together in the kitchen.
So . . . in what world is this realistic? First of all, if my roommate suggested to me in the early morning that the reason I'm not in a good mood is because my face isn't clean, we would have a problem. If they then wanted to wash their face with me, I would start looking for a nice way to suggest they move out and find another roommate to be creepy to. If they then decided we should start dancing and singing in the kitchen in the early morning, well, let's just say that would be the beginning of a CSI episode.

So I started a fire

Working at home is great. But it is really boring. And I think I have undiagnosed ADD. Which has caused some problems. One 'problem' is that I don't stop cleaning. And because I don't do anything normal, I was cleaning my ceilings with bleach using a Swiffer. (Don't ask). The problem with cleaning your ceilings is that it drips, and I didn't think about this while I looked up and literally got a drop of bleach water in my eye. Who needs vision anyway, eh?
But really I get in the most trouble at my desk. I have this candle burning at all times because one of my neighbors apparently really likes pot. And I'm not a fan of the smell. So I have this candle going and I get really fascinated with it sometimes. I get annoyed that the wax on the side wasn't melting and it seems like such a waste. So I decided to take a giant paper clip (of course I have one) and scrape the wax on the side into the melted wax in the middle. Not only did I burn my hand several times (because the candle was still burning) but my hand slipped why scraping and it splashed all the hot wax all over my face and shirt. It was like a spontaneous wax facial. That was fun.
Then, for the finale, I started a fire. It started because I have a small obsession with burning paper and blowing it out. I think this is a sign of mental illness, but fire is pretty. So that means it's ok. Right? . . . So I started burning a piece of paper - except I couldn't blow it out in time and I panicked and dropped it in the garbage next to my desk. The garbage that was full of paper. The garbage can lit up like it was full of gasoline. My first reaction was annoyance at how quickly it burst into flames because whenever I'm camping, I can NEVER get the campfire to start. But of course now, when I don't want to start a fire, I have super fire starting abilities. Apparently.
Anyway, so I have a rather large fire going in my trash can and I was kinda freaking out. So I go to the sink and try to fit my trash can under the faucet but my trash can was too big and I didn't have enough room. So I dumped all the burning trash into the sink thinking this was a genius move. And then I watched as the small stream of water from the faucet didn't even touch 90% of the burning mess. So I started cupping my hands and filling it with water and splashing the fire. And yes, I effectively splashed the fire to death. I think I should really look into fire fighting. I apparently have some great skills. I'm sure the local fire fighters would be really impressed. Either that, or really concerned about my ability to start fires. Maybe I should just keep this story to myself.

So I got a new job

I know this comes as a shock after reading the post title, but I got a new job. I'm still working within American Express but now I'm in Global Business Travel. It's a promotion, and the coolest part is that I now work from home. It's incredibly surreal. I've been in the new job for about a month now and I still feel like my old boss will call me any day and ask me where I've been. It's very odd. For about the first week and a half on the new job I didn't have anything to do because I was waiting for all of my equipment so that I could work from home. I was at home, bored, and full of anticipation for the new position. So what did I do? Crafts, of course. I wanted decorations for my new home office walls, so I made the incredibly stupid idea to make them. I made this decoration out of toilet paper rolls. It's something that I saw on pinterest and I actually really like how it turned out:

Then I made this sign with a quote that I really love:

I decide how hard a craft is by how much crying is involved. So the first craft was easy. The sign, however was a little difficult. Not at first though. At first I was thrilled on how simple it was. But it didn't look right. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. This is what it looked like at first:

Notice anything off? Yeah. That kinda ruined my day. I literally had to slowly peel off the paint and reposition the letters. That was fun.
This is what my office area looks like with everything finally put together: (the thing on the right is a white board. I have an intense obsession with making lists.)

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been trying to adjust to working from home which seems like a simple concept, but it's more difficult than I first thought. Here's what I've learned so far:

• I can save a lot of gas working from home
• I also save the 2.6 seconds I normally would spend picking out a work outfit. Now my work outfit is whatever I happen to wake up in, which is awkward when I'm 'working' at my 'office' and the apartment maintenance guy literally comes walking in. Unannounced. True story.
• Being at home all day long really makes you notice how much you need to clean your apartment. The daylight really makes the dust stand out. And when you're faced with an impossible project, cleaning a toilet doesn't seem so hard. In fact, it seems like a delightful diversion.
• It's fun being able to decide when I take breaks. But I've learned that I cannot turn on the tv during my breaks. Because I intend to take a 10 minute breather, and then suddenly I'm finishing a 10 hour Real Housewives marathon. It's a problem.
• Now that I get to decide when I work, I decided to work until the work is done. The problem with that is: I work until the work is done. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to work, so I will obsess over a project until I've done every possible thing to improve it. So this has not helped my sleep situation.

All in all, I really like my new job. I like the change, the challenge, and I actually do like working from home.

That's the end of my story.

So I interrupt our regular programming for a very serious question

So . . . you know FBI has a 'Most Wanted' list? Well I was thinking this morning - and wouldn't that mean they have other lists? Like, in order to have a most wanted, you'd also have a least wanted. And that just opens up all kinds of list possibilities. Like, I bet they have a 'Mildly Annoying' list, and a 'If we were to accidentally kill you we wouldn't cry at your funeral' list, etc. And I really really want to be on the 'Mildly Annoying' list. And if I wanted to shoot for the stars and really go for my dreams then honestly I can see myself being completely fulfilled in life if I got to be the one making the lists. The possibilities! And of course, I'd have to have fun with it. I mean, don't you think the FBI folks could use a chuckle or two? I'm sure they would find it amusing if I swapped out one of the Most Wanted guys for my high school Spanish teacher. For just like a week or two. So much wasted potential. And revenge opportunities.